


1964

by HistoricLesbians



Category: Call the Midwife
Genre: 1960's Gays, CTM, Call the Midwife - Freeform, F/F, LGBT, Lesbians, Valucille, bisexuals, softGays
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-08-17
Packaged: 2019-10-29 04:58:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 30,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17801459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HistoricLesbians/pseuds/HistoricLesbians
Summary: I'm not great with summery's but I'll try,Do Valerie and Lucille end up together or is there someone else out there for Valerie?





	1. Brave First Kiss

_**NFA** _ _**_:_ This has taken 3 days to write and I have loved every second, so I will be making this multi chapter. However the charger to my imac has just snapped, so I will find a way to update you but you will have to bare with me!** _

__

 

_**I have had an awful lot of time to edit, so apologies for the mistakes, I will edit soon I promise!** _

 

 

_**Remebmer to comment and leave kudos! Thank you!** _

 

 

 

* * *

 

Valerie Dyer was always a woman who knew herself, she knew who she was and who she wanted to be. She carried herself like the ocean carried it’s waves. One thing she knew about herself more than anything else was she wanted to be with someone she knew she couldn’t be at least not for a very long time, not in the eyes of the law anyway.

Lucille came to Valerie first before anyone else to tell her that she had a date with the new mechanic Cyril, he seemed nice enough, and Valerie wasn’t denying that, but inside her heart was breaking. All she kept thinking was ‘It should be me’ and she was right but, time’s must, it couldn’t be her.

Valerie along with the other girls helped Lucille get ready, and when Lucille asked her how she looked, she wanted to say that Lucille looked beautiful, and she did, more than words could express however Valerie changed her mind on that after Trixie had just told Lucille that she was beautiful herself so Valerie decided on the words “You look... exactly like you, just with bigger hair.”

Lucille smiled gently, sometimes Valerie thought that Lucille knew her feelings and even reciprocated them, but then at other times she wasn’t so sure so she stopped herself, as she always did holding her arms down and biting her tongue to keep from reaching out. She’d done it all before, and she should be smart for once in her goddamn life and just leave well enough alone. She should just leave this the way it is, and not pursue it further. 

Spare herself the future heartache with preemptive wounds. 

Lucille was going on a date with Cyril not her, would they ever even be able to date if she was honest about how she felt? Most likely not and Valerie had to remind herself of that more times than she would like to in a twenty four hour period.

Valerie and sister Monica-Joan, saw Lucille off on her date, Valerie smiled and waved her of safely. But before Lucille had stepped outside, Valerie had made sure to speak to Cyril before she took her Lucille anywhere.

“If anything happens to her, anything at all, if she comes home with some much as a scratch, your life as you know it is over. Do you understand me Cyril? Because that is my best friend you’re taking out, and she won’t be going if you can’t promise me her safety.” Valeried said with her hands crossed, staring darkly and threateningly into Cyril’s eyes.

Cyril gulped quietly before nodding his head and agreeing that no harm would come to Lucille.

Valerie and Sister Monica-Joan linked arms as they waved Nurse Anderson off.

Her heart was heavy and Valerie Dyer let out a saddened sigh as she went back inside and put on a pot of tea. 

It was so quiet this time of the evening, a couple nurses had been called out to the labouring women of poplar, and the sisters were now in compline, so it was just Valerie and Trixie around.

“Valerie...” Trixie came through, with a smile lacing her face.

“Fancy a Cuppa Trix?” Valerie smiled as the kettle came to a whistling boil.

“Absolutely.” Trixie replied as she got what was left of the cake out the cupboard, and two plates and two forks placing them on the table before sitting down herself.

As Valerie placed the tea in the middle of the table Trixie asked her quietly “I need to inquire about something...”

“Okay?” Val questioned as she sat in front of her tea and cake “What can I do you for?”

“It’s just a question, and if that’s how you are that’s okay, I have no problem with you being like that, but I need you to be honest...Do you like Lucille?”

“Of course I like her she’s my fri-”

“No Valerie. I mean do you like Lucille?” Trixie asked with her words a little more drawn out as Valerie took a slow sip of her tea.

Slurping loudly, before placing the cup back down “Oh...” She paused, taking a deep breath, no one but her Aunt Vi had ever out right asked her anything of that nature before. Her Aunt worded it slightly differently, but the end result was the same.

“I...dear god, I suppose I can’t hide my feelings like I thought I could.”

“No sweetie, no you can’t, I won’t say anything I promise but maybe you should tell Lucille this because there is no doubt in my mind that she is madly, deeply in love with you too.” Trixie replied, with a soft smile.

Valerie almost choked on the bit of cake she had just eaten “Are you insane Trixie?”

“Maybe...but I’m also right and you know that.”

Valerie sighed, she knew her friend was right however she didn’t want to admit it. Trixie wasn’t the one who has to live in the shadows of any feelings she would have for another woman. Because for Trixie her relationships would never be something she would have to hide, because for her, it was legal to be with whom ever she wanted to be, and it was legal to get married.

Valerie knew that her and Lucille, at least for a long time would never be, at least not in the eyes of the law but she also knew Trixie was right and she just thought what’s the point in love if you can’t be honest with the one you want to spend your life with, so she made the decision to speak to Lucille about her feelings and she just had to hope it wouldn’t scare her off.

“Alright, I know...” Val gave another lengthy sigh “I will talk to Lucille”

“Good!” Trixie replied sounding rather chipper about the situation at hand 

Valerie just laughed as she and Trixie finished off their tea and cake together.

By the time Lucille came back through the doors of Nonatus house, Trixie and the nuns had all gone to bed, Valerie however had made it her mission to stay awake for when her friend arrived home, to be certain that she was still in one piece.

Lucille smiled softly upon seeing Valerie in the kitchen with two cups of tea and a milky way bar, she presumed would be to share between the two of them.

“And what sort of time do you call this?” Valerie chuckled, as the big haired Lucille came and sat beside.

“Valerie. Why are you still up? Surely not for little old me?” Lucille remarked casually as she took a sip of her tea, before taking a piece of the chocolate sat before her.

“I just wanted to make sure you got back safely that’s all.”

“You don’t like Cyril do you?”

“I don’t not like him...” Valerie frowned, she knew she didn’t like him and Lucilla knew she didn’t like him, but Valerie had to work out if it was a genuine concern for her friend or if it was her feelings overpowering her judgment. “Just be careful for me, I mean I know you’re careful but just-”

“Valerie...” Lucille smiled, grabbing Val’s hand “I promise to be careful.”

“I trust you. I just, well I worry for you too. You can understand that cant you?”

“Of course I can. I worry for you as well Val.”

After they finished their tea, and the chocolate between them they both head for bed, Lucille took a long time getting to sleep, she had, had a really good time but part of felt like she wished she hadn’t and she couldn’t quite put her finger on why.

* * *

 

The next day after her rounds Valerie came back to find a Lucille sitting on the door steps of Nonatus house in a beautiful dress, hair done, she looked very done up to, well to go on a date.

Valerie rushed over, not even bothering to put her biycle away, more worried for Lucille.

“Lucille?” Valerie asked as she reached the steps, but not sitting down, she didn’t want to push Lucille if something horrofic had happened.

“Oh... Val...” Lucille looked up, trying not to cry, she wasn’t one to cry.

“Shall we get you inside? Trixie is still out on her rounds and so is Phyllis. Come on.” Valerie smiled, holding out her hand.

Lucille nodded her head in agreement, she let Valerie take her inside and up the stairs, where she sat on the edge of Valerie’s bed whilst Valerie gently cleaned her up, not saying a single word.

Lucille frowned before speaking quietyly “Why haven’t you asked?”

“Because, I know you’ll tell me what happened if and when you want to, but I would never pressure you to tell me something if you didn’t want to.”

“No. I mean, why have you never asked me on a date?” 

Val stopped dead in her tracks “Uhhh- y-you knew?”

“Yes, Val, and you’re not exactly subtle. Also Trixie told me. Valerie Dyer, I feel the same way about you too.” Lucille smiled

Valerie chuckled “Trixie has been doing some match making. Now, Will you tell me what happened with Cyril? If you don’t want to you don’t have to.”

“He broke it off, what ever we had going. He told me I would never live him to the standards of his family, that I’m not good enough and maybe I’ll never been good enough for anyone and although I didn’t really like him in that way, I-it still hurt.” Lucille looked down, unable to look at Valerie

“Hey Luc, listen to me.” Valarie sighed sitting beside the other woman “You are more the good enough, and the only person you ever have to be good enough for is yourself. Don’t let a stupid man making you feel worth anything less than you are. You are amazing Lucille never forget that. Now why don’t you go and get some sleep and I’ll give you a knock when dinners ready, alright?”

* * *

Valerie made sure Lucille was asleep in her own bed before she made her way out of nonatus house and went and found Cyril.

“CYRIL!” She shouted from across the street 

“Oh god.” Cyril rolled his eyes, as he stood up from the car he was fixing.

“Lucille is more than good enough for you, I just came here to tell you that you would be lucky to have a woman like Lucille on your arm, because she is incredible and strong and just magnificent and she is not someone you can dismiss like she meant nothing.” Valerie fumed at the man standing before her.

“Oh?” Cyril chuckled

“What so funny?”

“Well, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were in love with her.”

“First mind your own business and keep your nose out of other people’s business and second she’s my best friend, so of course I love her. She deserves so much more than how you’ve treated her.”

Cyril just laughed “If you say so.”

“I do!” Valerie snapped, before walking away in frustration, and finding Lucille waiting for her on the steps.

“You went and found Cyril didn’t you?”

“Well! He can’t get away with treating you like this” Valerie’s shrugged, like she was saying she didn’t know what chocolate she wanted.

“Come with me.” Lucille smiled walking back inside, with a groaning Valerie in tow.

They went up to Lucille’s room that she shared with Phlyis, Phyliss wouldn’t be back for hours yet, nor would Trixie, who Valerie shared her room with.

Lucille locked her door behind them before turning to Valerie “Thank you. Someone needed to put him in his place. I’m glad it was you.”

Valerie smiled softly “Oh you know what, it’s time for me to brave. I need to be brave.” Valerie took a deep brave breath, as she caressed Valerie’s face in her hands, and pressing her lips lightly onto Lucille’s.

“Lucille, I love you, I want us to be as much of an us as we can be.” 

“I want that too. You Valerie Dyer are out of this world magnificent.”


	2. Patsy and Delia returns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking your time to read, I'm enjoying writing this. I have some hard hitting storyline's coming up concerning Val and Luc!
> 
> also thank you to the valerie dyker group chat for helping me out with the definition of love

Two weeks since Valerie had kissed Lucille, since then nothing had happened between the two women. She couldn’t understand why, had she done something wrong? No. Not a possible scenario in her mind, especially with the way Lucille had reacted to the kiss, so what on earth could be wrong? Maybe she had changed her mind and for the love of god Valerie hoped with every fibre of her being that she was wrong.

 

Valerie was first on call today, soon enough the phone rang.

 

“Nonnatus house, midwife speaking.” She answered, nodding and taking down the details of the woman who was in labour, from the person at the other end of the phone.

 

Valerie quickly hung up, grabbed her bag which was situated next to Trixie, whom had just arrived home and was unpacking her own bag.

 

“Mrs. Bennett?” Trixie frowned, knowing how nervous and

 

“Mrs. Bennett has gone into labour”

 

“Mrs. Bennett?” Trixie frowned knowing full well how nervous and anxious the expectant mother was. “She was awfully anxious Valerie, I really think you should take someone with you” Trixie insisted

 

“I know Trixie, but you need to get some rest you’ve been up for far too long, and sister Julienne will have your guts for garters if she finds out you are still awake. I shall be taking Lucille with me to Mrs. Bennett”

 

“Where are you taking me?” Lucille asked, waling into the room at the most perfect moment.

 

“Mrs. Bennett has gone into labour and I just think with how highly anxious she is, it would be better with two of us going.” Valerie replied, with an urgency to her voice, and bag at the ready.

 

“What about Trixie?” Lucille asked almost dismissively, which was extremely unlike her.

 

“What about her?” Valerie asked, with a sort of soft chuckle. Looking between Lucille and Trixie.

 

“Well, can’t she go instead of me?”

 

“No, Lucille she cannot. She has been awake for far too long, and before she goes out to anymore labouring mothers of poplar, she needs sleep, and as Sister Julienne would say, the need to replenish her spirits is high. Understood?”

 

“And on that note, I take my leave” Trixie frowned, joined on her face by a small and subtle smirk, as she left the room leaving them to whatever she felt she gotten in the middle of.

 

Valerie herself wasn’t quite sure what was going on with Lucille, but if her attitude didn’t change soon, Valerie would have to push harder for what was going on and she didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable in any way.

 

“Well, well, well, what on earth is going on in here then?” A familiar voice asked, walking into the room, followed closely behind by Trixie, however the voice was not familiar to Valarie nor Lucille.

 

“Nurse Dyer, Nurse Anderson I would like to introduce to you the lovely and wonderful Patsy Mount” Trixie smiled knowingly between the three of them.

 

“Well there we go then, Nurse Mount can go with you to Mrs. Bennett’s Valerie, can she not?” Lucille replied sharply

 

“Lucille-“

 

Lucille quickly cut Valerie of “No. She’s here, she can go with you! Right Nurse Mount?” Lucille asked looking toward the red headed woman.

 

“Umm, well I s’pose, I mean I am happy to go, if you are okay with that arrangement Valerie? I’’ just be happy to jump right back into work, where ever that may be.” Patsy smiled. Unbeknown to Lucille and to Valerie, Trixie has to Nurse Mount all about them, because Trixie is nosey as anything and most of all because she cares and hates to see her friends hurting, so even if they ended up being angry at her she knew she did it for the right reasons. That right there was more important to her than anything else.

 

“Right then. Lucille you are now first on call, Patsy if you go and get changed quickly and the come back and put your bag together, then we can go. Mrs, Bennett’s isn’t too far away.” Valerie said

 

Patsy nodded her head, she quickly ran up the stairs, changed into her uniform, came back and as fast as she was able to, whilst still being efficient put her bag together and met the short haired brunette outside, where Valerie had both their bicycles at the ready.

 

“All set?” Valerie smiled, seeming a little sad and even though the two of them had only just met, Patsy did have an idea of why Valerie was seemingly so sad.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“She’s in here Nurse!” Mr. Bennett said in and urgently panicked echo, as he met the two women outside of his large home.

 

“Yes, we can very much hear that.” Valerie gave a reassuring smile to Mrs. Bennett’s husband “We can however take it from here now.”

 

Valerie and Patsy walked into the house and up to the second floor, to a bedroom of where the clearly very distressed woman was sat on the edge of the bed in tears, rubbing her back, and almost howling out in pain.

 

“Oh, Rebecca, I would ask how you’re doing, but I can see just that.” Valerie smiled, sympathetically.

 

“Something’s wrong Nurse, I know it, I can’t have this baby. I can’t I just can’t. Do you understand? You will be calling the doctor and I’ll have to have forceps and my baby will die!” Rebecca cried out as another contraction hit.

 

You see Rebecca had lost her last baby, he had been still born, and since finding out she was pregnant this time around she was so overly anxious, the midwives and Doctor Turner where all extremely concerned for her. The thing was because of the fear from her experience of delivering a still born, this time being pregnant she had barely left her home, she was just so much more nervous than most expectant mothers, so both Valerie and Patsy had to be careful, gentle and delicate about their approach to Rebecca.

 

Even more so for Patsy because she was the midwife that had delivered her little boy Henry.

 

“Remember me sweetheart?” Patsy smiled

 

“Y-you’re Nurse Mount, you delivered Henry. It wasn’t your fault. I know it wasn’t.” Rebecca cried

 

“Come on now. Listen to me, we will do everything we can to bring your baby safely into this world, without needing Doctor, we can’t promise anything but we will do our absolute best. We can all work together, can’t we?” Patsy looked at Rebecca before sitting beside her and rubbing circles on the labouring woman’s back, and Valerie knelt down in front of Rebecca to see how far along they were.

 

“Rebecca, I’m just going to see how far you are into your labour okay?” Valerie checked with Rebecca before doing anything.

 

She nodded whilst saying “I can’t have this baby.” Over and over again.

 

“Maybe you’d be more comfortable leaning into me at the head of the bed?” Nurse Mount asked, in which she just got a shaky “Yes.” From Rebecca, and they both moved up to the head of the bed with Patsy sitting behind her.

 

Valerie nodded at Patsy to let her know she was about to start the examination, and Rebecca quickly took a tight grip of her hand.

 

Valerie looking up within a few minutes of doing the examination. “Rebecca you’re about ready to push.

 

“No, no, no, no, I can’t be, I can’t have this baby!”

 

“Rebecca. God willing you will be having this baby and we will help you right through it all. Lean on us.”

 

“I don’t mean I can’t, I mean I won’t!”

 

“Rebecca, nothing could have prevented what happened to your little boy, know one is at fault.” Patsy sighed, knowing that was what was preventing her from willing to push this baby out.

 

“If I keep my baby inside, I will still feel her kicking, feel her just being. I will know that she’s safe. I can keep her safe inside.”

 

“Her?” Both Valerie and Patsy asked in unison

 

“It’s just a feeling.” Rebecca shrugged before another contraction hit and she squeezed on Patsy’s hand hard. “Please, I can’t do thiiiiiissssss.” She cried.

 

“Yes, you can. You can do this sweetheart.” Patsy insisted gently

 

“Let’s find out if your instinct is right and if you’re having a girl, shall we? Because I need you to start pushing, now honey.” Valerie said in a calm but firm voice.

 

Rebecca looked between the two nurses with such a stiffness of fear.

 

“Listen to Nurse Dyer Rebecca, she knows what she’s doing, now push for her. C’mon, you can do this!” Patsy insisted, continuing to hold Rebecca safely in her arm and Mrs, Bennett continued to firmly grip at Nurse Mount’s hand.

 

Rebecca took a breath before giving in and pushing hard, with a scream, and listening to every word that Valerie was saying to her, she wanted to do this right, she needed her baby to be okay. She did the same again pushed and screamed and pushed and screamed and she did that until suddenly she heard those words.

 

“Oh, and here she is!” Valerie exclaimed with such excitement. She quickly wrapped the baby in a towel, and cut the cord as she had done many a times on other new borns.

 

“What a healthy pair of lungs your baby has.” Patsy smiled.

 

“Mrs. Bennett you have the most beautiful and healthy squealing, baby girl.” Valerie beamed up at the new mother and passed the woman her little girl.

 

“You said a girl?”

 

“I did. Perfect in every way.” Valerie replied

 

“I did it… I-I actually did it, and you’re sure, she’s okay?”

 

“I’m absolutely sure!” Valerie said again, and then went to help Rebecca deliver her placenta and once that was delivered, Patsy helped Nurse Dyer to finish everything up, before making sure Mrs. Bennett was okay and they left leaving her and her husband to enjoy their new little bundle of joy.

 

The both of the cycled back to Nonnatus house, they put their bikes nicely away before going inside.

 

“Valerie, why don’t you go and get changed into something comfier. I’ll put a pot of tea on a bring us up a cup.” Patsy smiled as she walked through to the kitchen allowing Valerie to take a few minutes to herself.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Patsy walked up the stairs with two cups of tea, walking into Valerie’s room that she shared with Trixie (Who was still out on house calls)

 

“How about some tea?” Patsy asked as more of a statement than a question.

 

“Y’know something?  I am dying for a nice old cuppa!” Valerie replied, relaxing back against the pillows on her bed.

 

Patsy put the tea on the bedside table, in between the beds, before she herself sat down on Trixie’s bed, perching herself on the edge. Then yet another woman whom Valerie had not met until now, walked in the room with two packs of biscuits at the ready.

 

“Pats, I bought two packs.” The welsh sounding woman said

 

“Why? Delia, we only need one.” Patsy replied, followed by a quiet chuckle

 

“Because I know you prefer the chocolate ones to eat on their own and you prefer the ones without chocolate to dunk in your tea. My joy in life is keeping you so very happy sweetie.” She explained, with a massive smile from ear to ear, she closed the door behind her and passed the biscuits to Patsy and she sat next to her on Trixie’s bed.

 

The young woman looked up and over at Nurse Dyer “Ahh, I’m sorry I tend to babble. Now you must be the one and only Valerie Dyer? Trixie has told us all about y- OW! PATS!” Before the woman was able to finish her sentence completely, Patsy had given her a hard smack on her arm.

 

“Sorry Valerie. This here is the lovely and talkative Delia, she’s another nurse and-”

 

“I’m her…” Delia paused for a moment, looking over at the door confirming it was actually shut, after which she turned back and continued talking “She’s the love of my life. So, she’s my sweetheart, I think is the proper wording people like to sat when you’re in a relationship with someone.” Delia smiled proudly as she took Patsy’s hand into her own, squeezing ever so slightly.

 

Val smiled happily over at the two of them. This was somewhat of a comfort to her but on the other hand she was a little frustrate at Trixie for talking about her personal life to people she didn’t know herself yet. She did however understand why Trixie did it, she was just trying to help that was all, at the end of the day that’s all she ever wanted to do was to be there and to care for her friends when she felt they needed it. Even if those friends didn’t say it.

 

“Nice to meet you Delia.” Val responded before taking a slurp of her tea and took the one biscuit from each packet that Delia was offering her.

 

“So, I hear that you and the lovely Lucille Anderson are an item. Is that correct?” Patsy inquired

 

Val stayed silent for what seemed forever but was probably only a few seconds.

 

“If I’m honest Patsy, I thought we were but now I’m not exactly sure…” Val admitted to the uncertainty that she had, she thought maybe Patsy and Delia could help or maybe give her some advice. For Valerie, this was the first relationship she had, (with Lucille) that was what she wanted and wasn’t harmful.

 

“Why do you say that?” Delia asked intrigued

 

“Lets see, so, two weeks ago I kissed Lucille after she had told me that she knew how I felt about her and she felt exactly the same.”

 

Patsy and Delia where watching Valerie tell the story as if it was some epic love story and maybe it is.

 

Valerie continued on talking about what happened with Lucille “And I mean she did tell me she liked me in the same way and I kissed her… we kissed. It was unlike anything I have ever experienced, I can’t explain it, people talk about a spark when they have that kiss but for me it wasn’t a spark it was something entirely different, it hot chocolate at Christmas, like the whole world is completely still and silent, and you’re okay with because you’re with the person you love and it’s a feeling like no other…” Val paused again for a moment “But it is a feeling not even I can put into words. All I know is it makes me happy and I never want to lose feeling like that. Ever.”

 

Delia and Patsy where still smiling as if someone had placed so much candy in front of a child that they didn’t know where to start.

 

“The thing is, I kissed Lucille, and…”

 

“And? And what?” Patsy asked, knowing what the probable answer was, however she felt she needed to allow Valerie to be the one to voice her personal feelings on the situation, and set out what the actual facts of the current dilemma.

 

“But since then nothing’s happened, and I mean nothing and she’s been in a right bloody mood with me ever since.” Valerie sighed in frustration

 

Patsy and Delia looked between one another knowing full well, what the issue was and why Lucilla had reacted in the way that she did.

 

“You know what? Pats did exactly that when I first kissed her, I also felt that fear of maybe she had changed her mind about us, but…” Delia took a breath, smiling up at her girlfriend, Patsy then squeezed Delia’s hand gently and released her grip again, but continuing to hold her hand, as Delia continued to speak “But it was so far from the truth, I honestly couldn’t have been more wrong.”

 

“Why, what was the problem?” Valerie asked a little worried, as she grabbed another biscuit from the packet to have with her tea.

 

“I was scared…no I was terrified out of my mind, of being caught of being caught, being prosecuted for loving someone, scared of not feeling one hundred percent safe with Delia, the person I love more than anyone else in the world, and that was nothing to do with Delia herself, it’s just the world we live in.” Patsy replied

 

“So then, how did you?” Val questioned, a crinkle forming in her forehead

 

“How did I manage to start to feel safe with Delia?” Patsy questioned, just checking she had understood fully what Val was asking her.

 

“Yeah.” Val smiled gently, with a mouthful of biscuit, dropping the crumbs all down her front and on the sheets on the bed.

 

“Well, the thing is Valerie, we’re living in 1964, I came to the realization a long time ago that there will always be a chance of us being caught and made to feel ashamed and prosecuted just for loving each other. However, if I want to be happy, with Delia, because that is where I’m happy and at peace, then I would have to take a leap of faith, and that’s exactly what I did. I told Delia, I told her how I was feeling, and she in return told me something that I will never forget for as long as I live…” Patsy took a breath, smiling at the woman who made her heart sing.

 

 

Val stayed quiet, she could see Patsy was going to tell her what it was she just needed a few moments before she did.

 

“Delia told me there was nothing to stop us from being together. That the love we have for one another is all we need to survive. She was right, too. Then, when I asked her what if we get caught? What if we get prosecuted? She told me nothing could be worse than not having each other, that would be a fate worse than death, so if we got caught at least we’d be with one another. Our love would hold us up because we’d have each other.”

 

Delia watched Patsy in amazement “You remember… me telling you… all of that?”

 

“Sounding a little surprised there Deil’s!” Patsy poked fun at the surprised look on her love’s face.

 

“Valerie. Listen, there’s a place that Pats and I go to once a week, specifically for women like us.” Delia said, trying to say the words without actually saying it. “When we’re there we can hold hands, dance, cuddle up, even kiss. We can do all of this without the fear of been seen and caught or being prosecuted. We can dance and have some food and some drink. Just like the places Trixie would go, but going here you and Lucille could feel safe.” Delia informed Nurse Dyer.

 

Valerie was slowly and quietly taking in everything that the two women had explain to her, it made more sense to her now as to why, perhaps, Lucille was in the mood she was in. It wasn’t because she was angry…or maybe in one way or another she was angry, but not at Valerie.

 

Lucille would maybe be angry, that she felt so scared about being happy and falling in love and that it wasn’t a man. Especially with how frowned upon that would be to her family. I mean what is love after all? Someone who you can share every inch of your soul with and not made to feel bad about it. You can talk about everything and anything all day long, however you’re just as happy sitting with that person in silence, cuddled up on the couch, everything in the world is perfect, as long as you’re with them.

 

Love is a force. At time’s it pushes and pulls, other time’s it can be like the tide in the sea and it washes over you. Sometimes it knocks you over like running into a brick wall blind, other time’s it submerges you slowly, like when you’re walking in the sand and slowly going down. It’s the natural release of oxytocin in the brain.

 

At the end of the day, we don’t choose who to love or even how love comes into our lives. What we can do though, is to accept it when it comes along and to try to understand it. I think love in one short and simple word is… hope. Love gives us hope, it fills our dreams, and makes us believe in the unimaginable and think about the endless possibilities that present them selves around love.

 

“I love her.” Valerie said in a solemn sort of tone as she looked over at Patsy and Delia on the bed holding hands.

 

Both of them nodded in response “Have you told her? I mean since the kiss?” Delia asked

 

“Well not in so many words…well no, I guess not, but she knows I love her…doesn’t she?”

 

“Maybe she does, and maybe she would just like to hear you say those three words, because she might just need to be reminded.” Patsy said, with a small smile floating on her lips.

 

“I never in a million years imagined that she wouldn’t know that I love her, with every fibre of my being.” Valerie replied

 

 

“It’s okay Val, really it is. I mean I did the same thing with Delia but then we talked about what we both needed individually in the relationship. That in it self opened up so many doors. The key is communication in any relationship, I bet she’ll be back now. So go and talk to her, clear the air.”

 


	3. Clean slate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valerie and Lucille have the talk that they need and Patsy and Delia also talk to Val and Luc about something hoping they’ll say yes.

**A/N: Well here we are again. Chapter Three finally! So I have decided that I will be uploading this specific fic every Friday (I’ll have a time for you later) so unless I have serious writer block, I’m sick or it’s the end of the fic then expect me to upload of Friday! Also bare with any mistakes in typing on my phone so you’ll have to put up with them until I’m able to buy a charger for my MacBook Air! So with that all being said... please do enjoy!**

 

* * *

 

Valerie paused outside the room that Lucille and Phlyis shared with one another, and although Patsy and Delia had helped her to understand why Lucille was behaving in the way that she had been for the last couple of weeks. That didn’t however stop Valerie from still being incredibly nervous (although Valerie Dyer would never show her nerves) because maybe the thoughts of Lucille having changed her mind about the two of them could quite possibly be correct and what if the last hour of speaking to Patsy and Delia was all for nothing.

 

Though she didn’t care if it was all for nothing. Valerie had to try, because at the end of he day you fight for love, don’t you? That’s what Valerie believed.

 

Valerie took a sharp inhale of breath before she held her knuckles up to the door, putting her hand in a fist shape and knocking three times.

 

”Luc? It’s Val love, can I come in?”

 

”If you want.” Lucille called back not exactly sounding too bothered either way.

 

Valerie walked in, seeing Lucille sitting on her bed and reading her small bible that she always kept under her pillow that only Val knew about. Luc was still in her uniform and had a fresh cup of tea siting on the bedside table.

 

”Can we talk?” Valerie asked Calmly, even though on the inside she was anything but calm.

 

”About what?” Lucille asked, sounding almost bored with the conversation, not even bothering to look up at Valerie.

 

”About us...” She paused before she snapped at Lucille “...And for the love of god will you look at me please!” 

 

Valerie took a breathe to calm herself down as she sat on Phyllis’s bed, looking over at Lucille.

 

At this point the other woman put down her bible, closing it’s pages and sliding it gently under her pillows. She looked up, over at Valerie watching the woman carefully. Luc wasn’t exactly sure where this was going and from the look on Vals face she could assume it was definitely serious.

 

”You kissed me.” Val stated the absolute obvious.

 

”You did. I kissed you back. It was enjoyable.” Lucille replied, sounding colder than ever.

 

”It was?” Val questioned, surprised by her cold answer, she could tell she was sincere in her words she was just being off about the whole thing though. “Well, I mean, yes it was...it was very enjoyable.”

 

”Valerie...” Lucille sighed “You clearly want to ask me something. So spill...what is it?”

 

Valerie took a deep breath before answering Lucille. The person she loved more than anyone else in the world, she was still a little nervous about broaching the subject , especially if it turned out that Lucille had indeed changed her mind. She just had to hope that she was wrong and that maybe just maybe she was overthinking it all.

 

”Okay. I’ll lay it out. I kissed you. Lucille we kissed, we’ve certainly cleared that up, that’s for sure. I told you I loved you but since then nothing from you. Nothing at all, in fact you’ve been in a right’ol slump ever since, now I have two ideas to why that might be. The first reasoning, which I hope to god that I’m just overthinking and I’m dead wrong...”

 

Valerie paused, as she waited to get her breath back, watching Lucille and waiting for any sort of reaction, one that never came, which  frustrated Valerie lik goodness knows what.

 

The thing was that in Lucille’s mind she felt as if it was better not to try and react to Val, she want her to get out what she clearly needed to say without any interruptions.

 

However as with most things, what works for one person won’t necessarily work for another.

 

Which is why in any relationship, communication is the absolute key to making things work or at least giving ago of things to the best of your ability’s.

 

”Option number one. You’ve changed your mind about us.” Valerie said with a slight strain on her voice, a panic more a less, as a frown appeared in her forehead before it then more quickly turned to a smile with a fast shake of Lucille’s head, informing Valerie that was not the case.

 

”Okay then, well that does make me feel a lot calmer and better and much more relieved. So that leaves option two, which I feel is the reason for why you’ve been acting the way you have and that is... you’re scared...” Valerie tried to say as carefully as possibly 

 

Now those words did enlighten a reaction of sorts from Lucille. She made a loud gulp sound and she looked as if she was frozen to the spot, but she she kept her eyes fixed on Valerie.

 

There it was.

 

Valerie had hit the nail on the head, no doubt about it.

 

”Lucille talk to me please, I only want to help. Are you scared of being caught?” She asked as Lucille nodded her head.

 

At this point Valerie moved to sit on Lucilles bed. “Of being prosecuted...maybe?”

 

All of what Patsy and Delia had mentioned to Val, was clearly ringing true for Lucille.

 

”Scared?” Lucille said with a small chuckle “I am. Valerie I am absolutely terrified to be perfectly honest!”

 

”What is terrifying you so much? Remember love, I can not help you unless you explain to me what is making you scared” Valerie explained as she and Lucille say opposite one another crossed legs, and Val placed the palms of her hands on Lucilles knees.

 

”I’m terrified of getting caught, of being prosecuted as you’ve mentioned but Valerie I’m also terrified of loosing my nursing license, all because of loving someone that to society and the legal system says I’m not allowed to. How is that allowed?” Lucille said before continuing “But most of all I’m scared of loving you Valerie...” Lucille said as her eyes began to leak water.

 

”But why? What could scare you so much about loving me?” Valerie asked quizzically as she moved to lay down in Lucilles arms, where she was most comfy and felt more safe than anywhere else in the world.

 

I mean, of course Valerie did know what part of the reasoning was. At the end of the day it was really quite scary to put yourself out there... to love someone, however she couldn’t quite understand why Lucille was so very frightened of loving her. Valerie needed her to explain, she just really didn’t understand why.

 

”Val...” Lucille started as she ran her fingers through the other woman’s hair “Every person that I’ve ever been with, they’ve left me, give up on me, not believed in me, couldn’t handle me, or my work or even my faith. Valerie I’m scared to love you because I have never felt this way about anyone before. Do you understand? I can’t loose you Val. I love you and I don’t want to hide our relationship. Unfortunately I know that inevitable for the most part and I know it won’t be from everyone. I do like the fact that we shall be able to tell Patsy and Delia and even Trixie. Let’s face it though, that’s about all.

 

Lucille took a slight breather, trying not to cry “And I’ve never kept anything from my mother and I’m just scared Valerie, my love I’m scared of so much and of loosing everything I hold dear.” Lucille almost self combusted for the fear and anxiety of it all.

 

Valerie very quickly sat up, crossing her legs again as the did a few moment before sitting opposite one another. Valerie took Lucille’s face between her hands.

 

”Lucille. You are everything to me and I know how important your faith is and we live in a nunnary, so your faith certainly won’t scare me off. Luc, I know you’re so very scared of being prosecuted I understand that I do. When I told my gran that this was who I was, she told me ‘in life to live a full life one we have to do things that scare us, because by the end of our life’s we want to say I did and tried everything I wanted to do and most of all I want to have been happy.’ She also told me that, that is certainly not the life she’s hard and that she wants more for me, to be happy and to love however the hell I want.” 

 

“I like the sound of your gran.”

 

 

”Chick. We have each other right? You love me and I love you so what does the rest of it matter? As long as we have each other we can conquer anything.” Val smiles sweetly, along with a rather serious expression to make Lucille aware that she was serious about every single word.

 

 

Which she did and Valerie hoped with any part of her that she had said enough to convince Lucille that they were in fact stronger together. That it’s okay to be scared, but fearing everything together is a whole lot better than fearing things alone.

 

There was a silent pause between when Valerie stopped speaking and Lucille started

 

“I...oh Valerie...” Lucille smiled, taking Vals hands that were still cupping her own face, taking them into her own and giving Vals hands a gentle squeeze. “You really believe we can get through this? Through anything... together?” Lucille asked, a little unsure

 

”I do.” Valerie replied “Don’t you?”

 

”Of course I do. I just wanted to make sure you were certain, because I myself, don’t think I have ever been more certain about anything in this world, thank I am about you.” Lucille couldn’t help but smile at valerie, she then kissed the back of her girlfriends beautiful hands. “I love you Valerie Dyer and no matter what, you are what I want in this life and after. Lucille said with a beaming smile, and a soft tone to her voice before she lent in, pressing her lips against Valerie’s, moving her lips slowly to a gentle rhythm against her girlfriend’s also moving lips.

 

They both pulled away slowly.

 

”I love you Lucille. Always, never forget that I love you.”

 

And with the air cleared, the both of them stayed cuddled up for a few more hours, before Delia came knocking, informing them both that Phyllis was back and would be up soon and that dinner would be serred in about twenty minutes.

 

”Thank you Delia. We shall be right down.” Lucille nodded as she sat up as did Val and the both of them stood up and dusting and tidying themselves up before joining everyone down the stairs, at the table.

 

There were more midwives and nurses at the table and staying in Nonnatus house than even Sister Monica-Joan had seen in a very long while. 

 

There was Sister Monica-Joan of course, along side Sister Julienne also two fairly new midwives that had joined their staff; Sister Hilda and Sister Francis, and Sister Francis has only just qualified as a midwife and only recently taken her vows.

 

Then you had Nurse Franklin, Nurse Mount, Nurse Busby and of course the lovely Nurse Anderson and Nurse Dyer.

 

Nonnutas house was thriving in this era. It was the 60’s. A beautiful and wonderful year for change that was for sure. A lot of heartache was to come however and that was the sadness and the truth of it all. For every good thing,  a good change of sorts, there was always some horrible and god awful affair that followed. And that was the real struggle. The real fear of everything to come.

 

* * *

 

 

It was a cold, rainy rather stormy day. It was horrible and the wind made it all that harder to ride your bicycle especially against the wind, but they all did it with not one complaint.

 

Valerie however found herself to be happier than ever as herself and Lucille cycled back from delivering a baby girl in the pouring rain, the mother wasn’t able to get to the hospital in time.

 

Everything was more amazing than ever, after Valerie and Lucille had their conversation and cleared the air completely, a week ago. Both the woman just could not be happier.

 

As soon as Valerie and Lucille had put their bikes away, the ran fast through the heavy rain and inside Nonnutas house, where Delia and Patsy were sitting at the dinner table eating cake and drinking Tea.

 

”Mm-“ Patsy said as she saw Val & Luc just as she’s taken a mouthful of some lemon drizzle cake. 

 

“Lucille! Valerie! Come, come! Join us!” Patsy called out, gesturing for them to take the seats in front of herself and Delia.

 

”Before Sister Monica-Joan gets her hand son this cake, you may want to have a slice...and some tea to warm you up after delivering a baby in the rain. Well done both of you for that.” Delia said with a smile, plating up a slice of cake for the both of them, and putting the cake in front of them and pouring out some tea.

 

”So, Delia and I wanted to ask you both a question...”

 

Valerie and Lucille looked between one another, then quizzically over at Patsy and Delia, and nodding their heads at them both.

 

”Wel, Remember Valerie, when we told you about the place myself and Delia go...” Patsy began “The place we do and where you can go that you’ll be able to hold hands, dance and kiss if you so wish. They do amazing food and drinks too. Anyway my point in all this, is well... if you both would like to come  with us tonight, maybe even make it a double date of sorts?”

 

Valerie looked to Lucille, with a hopeful and pleading smile.

 

Lucille then grabbed Val’s hand quickly, directing her words at the other two.

 

”We would love to go with you both. It would be lovely to go out and be able to be with each other with not so much fear attached.”

 

”Oh wonderful! Come to mine and Delia’s room about 6pm? How does that sound? And we can all go together.”

 

”We shall be there.” Valerie confirmed, as  both her and Lucille finished their tea and  cake and left the table to get some sleep before tonight.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please if you loved it then leave kudos and leave a comment! It really helps us writers out!


	4. Everything has changed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the dance, Lucille grows more distant. Valerie breaks down after Lucille tells her what it is and Trixie and Valerie go to help Valerie’s old friend... or is there more to the friendship than Valerie is letting on.

Going dancing with Patsy and Delia was one of the most exciting and happy things that Valerie had decide to do. I mean she was able to kiss Lucille in a public place of sorts, even with Lucille still being distant with her. Valerie was trying so very hard with Luc and she was really happy and that at the end of the day was the most important thing. Val just felt that her girlfriend needed more time to to understand and learn how to not be so very afraid.

 

 

Val was relieved to be able to dance and hold hands with Lucille and to do so without feeling judged, even with a Lucille’s continued distance. Val however would be holding onto this night for a very long time to come, even more so over the next few weeks which would turn out to be absolutely horrendous for her.

 

 

The next few weeks would be hard for everyone at Nonnatus house, but even more so for Valerie. It would be torturous for her and she would become a shadow of her former self. However would have people around her and supporting her at the most trying time in her life (and that’s saying a lot considering, not only Vals background from where and how she grew up but also the fact she’s been in the army too) Valerie would need all the super in the world, she wouldn’t be able to do the next few weeks even months alone.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Four days after the dance, Lucille had become even more closed of from Valerie than before , clearly her heart was weighing heavy.

 

 

Lucile waited until everyone was out except for herself and Valerie, and paced her way down to the room Val shared with Trixie, knocking as she walked into the room.

 

 

“Valerie... May I please speak with you?” Lucille asked, not sitting down

 

 

“Of course. You know that you can always talk to me Luc.” Val smile sitting up right.

 

 

Lucille took a deep breath before she started speaking “Val...I love you...I mean you know that but here’s the thing I-“

 

 

“Let me guess Lucille...” Val sounded harsh in her tone as she stood up from the bed , lighting a cigarette and taking a long puff“You made a mistake agreeing to date me? It’s not something that you want anymore. I mean you love me but you’re not in love with me, In fact you never were. Am I wrong?” Val asked, shaking a little and trying not to be too calm about it, but the truth was she was calm.

 

 

“Well...”

 

 

“Lucille it’s okay. If I have to be honest with you I don’t love you either not really, I love you as my friend but that’s all. We tried didn’t we? That’s all any of us can do.”

 

 

“I guess so...Valerie you’re really not upset with me?”

 

 

“No I'm fine, you’re fine, we’re all fine!”

 

 

“Right. Well I’ll leave you be...” Lucille felt the need to leave Val alone and so she did, she left the room going downstairs and answering the ringing phone as she was next on call.

 

 

As soon as Lucille left however, Valerie just broke down , collapsing into a sobbing mess on the the floor, leaning against her bed with her knees up and firmly pushing into her chest. Valerie’s stayed like that even when Trixie came through the door.

 

 

“That was another BBA-“ Trixie started as she walked in but upon seeing Val she quickly ran to her side, putting an arm around her friend “Val? Sweetie? What’s wrong?”

 

 

“I knew - I knew it was too good to be true” Val sobbed, leaning into Trixie’s arms

 

 

“What was?” Trixie held Val close, feeling like she shouldn’t let her go, as it was Val was holding Trixie’s arms rather tight.

 

 

“Lucille... she broke it of, and I know I shouldn’t be so torn up about it, because I wasn’t in love with her either but I just wanted someone who loved me and who I loved back, is that so much to ask?” Valerie cried

 

 

“Sweetie sometimes if we wish for things too hard, they’re bound to fall apart. Me and Patsy and Delia will get you through this though alright sweetie? We love you Val.”

 

 

The phone suddenly rang as it did a lot at Nonnatus house.

 

 

“I need to answer that Valerie okay?” Trixie smiled softly, as she stood up leaving the room to go and answer the phone.

 

 

“Nonnatus House. Midwife speaking” Trixie said in her professional tone.

 

 

“He-llo! I need Nurse Dyer. I need her now please it’s Lorraine tell her- tell her it’s Lorraine” The female breath at the other end of the line echoed, sounding breathless and in pain.

 

 

Trixie tilted the phone from her mouth placing the speaker piece under her chin away from her mouth, as she shouted out “Valerie!”

 

 

Valerie cane running down, her face now washed from the tears “Who is it?” She mouthed to Trixie

 

 

“Someone called Lorraine? It sounded urgent”

 

 

Valerie nodded, joined on her face with a frown as she took the phone from her friend and spoke “Lorraine?”

 

“Val! Honey! Please...”

 

 

“Lorraine? Hold up, what’s going on?”

 

 

“I need you... need you to come to my home. Quickly. I-I Val please! I’m scared! Bring your medical bag!” And just like that Lorraine hung up.

 

 

Valerie turned to Trixie with a joint look of concussion and worry “That was- an old friend. My best friend in fact haven’t seen her in a few weeks but- Trixie something isn’t right. She asked me to bring my medical bag I’m really rather worried Trix”

 

 

“Hmm...Maybe I should come with you?” Trixie suggested

 

 

Valerie nodded in agreement and grabbed her own bag before both of them headed out the door, getting on their bicycles and cycling through the pouring rain over to Lorraine Warren’s home.

 

 

They soon arrived, the door already wedged open. Valerie knocked on the door as she walked into Lorraine’s beautiful and very large home.

 

 

“Lorraine? Chick it’s me. I’ve bought my friend Trixie with me, she’s also a midwife.”

 

 

“Val...” a muffled cry called out from the kitchen floor.

 

 

“Lorraine? Oh- oh god!” Valerie gasped, as she ran to her friends side “What happened? Oh, Honey...” Val brushed Lorraine’s hair from her sweaty forehead “Chick you gotta tell me what went on ‘ere so we can help you.” Valerie insisted

 

 

“I-I- was in the family way. Like you were Val...” Lorraine cried, shaking and sweating.

 

 

Trixie frowned at the last words that came out of Lorraine Warren’s mouth, as she put on her medical gloves.

 

 

“Lorraine! Lorraine! Look at me darlin’ look at me” Val shouted, holding Lorraine’s face between her hands “Did you also do what I did? What I asked you for back then? Did you do that? Lorraine tell me please!”

 

 

Lorraine nodded tearfully “It was so sharp Valerie”

 

 

Trixie at this point knelt down at Lorraine’s feet “Legs apart sweetie...no one here will hurt you, we want to help” Trixie smiled elbowing Lorraine’s knees apart gently.

 

 

“I’m just going to take a little look and see what we have okay? Knees apart sweetie” Trixie smiled as she examined Valerie’s friend, of whom had a sever infection from what ever instrument had been used, there was a heavy blood loss and the foetus hadn’t come away just yet.

 

 

“Valerie! Towels and flying squad now.” Trixie said firmly trying to bring Valerie’s attention back to the situation at hand. Valerie was frozen to the spot, flashbacks of what she herself had gone through a few years back.

 

 

“Valerie!” Trixie shouted, bringing Valerie back to reality.

 

 

“Ambulance and fresh towels. Fast as you can Nurse Dyer”

 

 

At that, Valerie quickly stood up going out the room to do as Trixie had asked.

 

 

“Sweetie, help is coming you’ll be right as rain in no time. I’m just going to clean you up poppet and inject you with some ergometrine... that’s it keep your legs apart for me poppet.” Trixie smiled gently

 

 

Valerie came back passing Trixie the towels and kneeling back beside Lorraine next to her head. Valerie was in some slight shock herself but she knew she had to be strong and be there for her friend, she also hadto keep her nursing head on which for Valerie wasn’t difficult. “Flying squad will be here in twenty minutes” Valerie said quietly to Trixie whom nodded back at her.

 

 

“Lorraine! Lorraine! Keep those beautiful eyes of yours open for me. Keep focusing on my loud voice... you always said my voice was too loud for my own good!” Val said with a small chuckle, trying to stay calm, she kept her hands on either side of her face “When? When did this happen?”

 

 

Lorraine gulped loudly, as the tears ran down both sides of her face “T—two days ago.”

 

 

Both Valerie and Trixie did all they could to help Lorraine and to keep her comfortable until the flying squad arrived to transfer Lorraine to hospital.

 

 

“You’re going to be just fine sweetie!” Trixie said, as she injected the ergometrine.

 

 

“D’ya here that lovey? You’ll be okay” Val smiled, as she continued to brush the hair out from Lorraine’s face.

 

 

The flying squad arrived sooner than expected, which was good news for Lorraine. As they wheeled her outside, Lorraine grabbed Vals arm “Don’t leave me please.” Lorraine begged weakly.

 

 

“I’m not going anywhere Lor. I promise!” Val smiles softly, her brown eyes looking worried into Lorraine’s sparkling blue eyes. Valerie turned her head over to Trixie “I’m going with her Trix. I think she might miscarry on the way.”

 

 

Trixie nodded her head in agreement “Of course. I’ll clean up here and meet you at the hospital.” And with that Trixie stayed behind as Valerie went to the hospital with Lorraine.

 

 

Valerie was correct in her thought, Lorraine miscarried the foetus on the way to the hospital. Valerie had heard the screams of many labouring women in her time, the screams of men on the battle field. Nothing came close to the earth shattering and harrowing screams that came from the ambulance. The cries and screams coming from her best friend that night was heart breaking.

 

* * *

 

When Trixie found Valerie standing in the the hallway, she was covered in so much blood, shaking but completely frozen, zoned out.

 

 

“Valerie? Sweetie?” Trixie asked softly, placing her hand gently on the brunette’s shoulder, making Valerie flinch a little.

 

 

“Valerie talk to me.” Trixie insisted

 

 

“S-She - those screams Trixie. I ain’t heard nothin’ like it before.” Valerie shook

 

 

“C’mon, lets get you cleaned up shall we?” Trixie said with bright and caring smile as she wrapped and arm around Valerie walking her to a side room where she was able to clean up Valerie properly.

 

 

“She could die Trixie.” Valerie trembled

 

 

Trixie stayed silent as she sat Valerie on the bed, Val had blood covering her neck, all the way down to her knees, it looked like Valerie had murdered someone.

 

 

“Did you almost die?”

 

 

“What?” Valerie asked in confusion, chuckling awkwardly

 

 

“I heard Lorraine say she was in the family way, like you were...”

 

 

“Oh...” Valerie gulped “You heard that?”

 

 

“I did. Please talk to me Valerie. There’s a reason you’ve been affected by these abortion cases more than everyone else at Nonnatus isn’t there?” Trixie asked not wanting to push but understanding what holding onto secrets can do to a person and that’s never good.

 

 

Valerie inhaled deeply, not too sure where to start or if she even wanted to talk about what she went through back then, it still wasn’t that long ago that it had happened. Valerie hasn’t spoken about it to anyone other than her Gran and Lorraine. Valerie stayed silent ,as images of what happened to Lorraine and then what had happened to herself a few years previously, flashed through her brain.

 

 

“Valerie...?” Trixie asked, trying to bring her friend back to the reality she probably did not want to be in. Trixie grabbed a warm wet cloth, dabbing gently at Valerie’s face and neck, washing away the blood as best she could.

 

 

“Val? Come on sweetie... you know that I love you. You’re my best friend, Val I’m concerned. There will be more and more abortion cases falling at our door until someone out there makes a change and makes it legal. It’s their god Damon bodies, they should be able to make those choices safely and without having to go to someone up the back alley.” Trixie paused, seeing if she was getting any kind of reaction from Nurse Dyer, when she saw there was nothing, Trixie continued speaking.

 

 

“Valerie listen to me. I’m really rather worried about you, from the situation with Lucille, to Lorraine. I’m concerned. If we— no actually when we have other woman coming to us, after having seen a backstreet abortionist. I’m scared for you and how it will affect you. Now tell me am I wrong to be so worried and scared for you?”

 

 

Valerie looked up at Trixie, keeping mostly all her emotions trapped inside. “I honestly don’t know Trixie. Sometime—sometimes I think, I can handle it, handle everythin’ ya know? I’m a bloody midwife for Christ’s sake. We ‘ave a duty to deal with this sort of thing everyday. It’s our job to so... SO WHY CAN’T I DEAL WITH IT TRIXIE?! HUH?! WHY THE HELL NOT?” Valerie suddenly screamed through her tears, that were rolling fast down her face as she let her head fall hard onto Trixie’s shoulder.

 

 

Trixie ran her fingers through her friends hair, before pulling away slowly and sitting up on the bed beside her, she lifted Vals chin making her look at her directly. “Valerie darling... please tell me what happened? Why does every case of a woman having gone through an abortion, make you close down and scare you more than I’ve seen it scare anyone. Why Valerie after? Just talk to me for the love of god talk to me.” Trixie begged

 

 

Valerie wipes her own tears away as she she looked into Trixie’s caring, gentle and oh so very kind eyes, they remind her of Lorraine’s eyes, but Lorraine’s were brighter slightly more blue. Valerie was so afraid, afraid to talk about it and afraid Trixie might not look at her in the same way ever again. However Valerie was also aware that if she didn’t tell someone, it would eat her from the inside out, this might actually kill her if she didn’t open up.

 

 

“You really, truly, whole heartily want to know what happened Trixie? Because you need to be ready to hear some harrowing things, more harrowing than what we’ve dealt with recently.”

 

 

Trixie gulped hard “I’m sure. I really do want to know. I want to know everything. I’m you’re friend and I want to help if I’m able to. Even if it’s just an ear to listen.” Trixie smiles gently

 

 

So be it. Valerie would tell Trixie every sore detail.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you so much for reading I know you might dislike what I’ve written but remember I’m the author I have plans for Vals love life I promise.  
> And I will be writing a desperate Valucille fan fiction to make all your Valucille hearts fulfilled.


	5. Valerie’s truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one was a hard one to write. Now just a note I am writing a specific scene in this from experience so please e delicate with your comment, I still have night terrors and flashbacks from my own sexual assault and rape that I went through on two different occasions.   
> I do want to say this may be triggering for some, so if you think for any reason talk or abuse or assault or rape will trigger you please don't read

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another warning, there is a sexual assault in this so please don't read if it will be too much for you.

**A/N: Third warning before you go onto read this there is a scene in this where a character get's attacked sexually, so if this will be too hard don't read. please.**

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

“You wanted to know the truth Trixie, then here it is...it was a couple of years ago, just after I left the army. I was walking back home from this bar and I’d had a date with my girlfriend at the time...Lorraine.” Valerie stopped as Trixie’s eyes widened.

“Ohh!”Trixiegrinned

“Yes...wellanywayasIwaswalkinghomeIsuddenly gotacoldchill, likeIknewsomethingwaswrong,IrealizedIwasbeingfollowedbysomeoneandas I turned I recognized him almost immediately... it was my old army Sargent... he had put me through hell as a woman in the army.”

* * *

 

FlashbacktoFebruary1962

**Valerie couldn’t stop smiling as she walked home in the dead of night, along the cobbler pathway, under the bridge. It was a freezing night and it was starting to rain quite hard. Valerie had just had an amazing night out with her girlfriend of two years, she was on a happy sort of high, Valerie always smiled when she’d been with Lorraine and this time was no different.**

**Suddenly the walk home was becoming colder, darker and scarier, Valerie found herself not feeling so alone at one o’clock in the morning. Val heard footsteps behind her, getting faster and closer, she quickly stopped dead in her tracks, turning slowly on her heels and seeing a familiar face.**

**”Hello? Who’s there?” She called out as the face came into view, Val's heart plummeted because she knew exactly who it was. Her old army Sargent, how was he here, he made her life a living hell in the army.**

**”Johnny? Is that—”**

**And before she knew it, she was being pinned up against the cold, hard, brick wall. Valerie’s top was being pulled up and ripped, his hand was over Val’s mouth trying to stop her from screaming, which was half working.**

**“You really thought you could get away from me?”**

**Valerie tried shaking her head but every muscle in her body was frozen. She couldn’t move, she had nowstopped screaming, knowing that she would have no chance of someone hearing her cries.**

**”Please...” Valerie tried to beg even if she knew full well that it was a pointless effort.**

**Next thing Valerie knew she had her trousers and pants pulled down to her ankles, as he was pushing his body hard onto her.**

**Valerie wished more than anything, that she didn’t remember a single thing from that night, however the fact of the matter was, she remembered every single detail, down to the smell of his breath.**

**When he finally got off her, he said something to her that she’ll never forget.**

**”You’re a filthy disgusting bitch. You’re a dyke and you’re a dirty little whore. You want me, you’d be fucking lucky to have me Valerie Dyer!” It felt like hours that they were their, under that bridge in the cold rain.**

**Valerie tried to keep it together as much as she could, as Johnny left he pushed Val to the ground kicking her in her stomach and hitting her head into the cobbled ground.**

**Valerie had to pick herself back up. Which she managed to do.**

**She stood up, pulling her trousers back up with her pants, which had both been ripped. Valerie had cuts all over the left side of her face and neck, her lip was swollen and bleeding and she had bruises all up her legs and ribs. When Johnny had smacked Valerie’s face into the ground she had fallen unconscious.**

**It was now around 3:30am, it was pouring with rain, Valerie was absolutely freezing cold and she went to the only place she wanted to go.**

**Her Grandmothers.**

**Valerie hammered on the door weekly “Gran! Please! It’s Val! Please just open the door!” Valerie sobbed, before she collapsed again. Luckily Vals Gran opened the door and caught Valerie in arms just as she fell.**

**”Valerie? Valerie? Wake up darlin’ c’mon, your old gran can’t carry you inside I’m afraid, so you gotta wake up before I drop you” Elsie was frantic but she was trying to stay as calm as possible for her granddaughter.**

**It took Valerie a few moments to come round, as soon as she saw her gran she knew with every part of her that she was now safe.**

**”c’mon sweetheart, let’s get you inside and you can tell me what happened, alright.” Elsie said as she helped Valerie into her flat.**

**Valerie just nodded, Elsie sat her granddaughter down, made some tea and placed the mug in front of Valerie. Elsie then grabbed a warm, wet cloth and sat in front of Valerie “I know you probably don’t want to be touched right now but, will you at least let me clean up your face?”**

**Elsie wanted to cry at the state of her granddaughter but she had to just get Valerie through the night. Elsie slowly cleaned up Valerie’s face, neck and bloodied lip as gently as she could.**

**Elsie then put the cloth aside once she’d finsihed “Now lovey, what happened?”**

**”N—no, I can’t! Please don’t make me...” Val cried, shaking. Elsie has never seen her granddaughter like this before, so broken.**

**”Val, I’m not gonna make you do anything you don’t wanna, but darlin’ I cant do anything to help if you don’t tell me anything.” Elsie said softly**

**Val nodded before she burst into tears.**

**”Oh Valerie, sweetheart...” Elsie held her hands in a light grip**

**“Gran I don’t know how to tell you what happened...” Valerie sobbed taking a breath as she took a shaky sip of the tea that was sitting in front of her “I was back from the dolphin, you know the place that I told you about and I suddenly felt I was being followed and as I turned around I recognised who it was. My old army Sargent, Johnny is his name. Next thing I knew had me pressed up up against the wall, I was frozen... I couldn’t move or even scream Gran! I couldn’t fuckin’ move!” Valerie was almost hyperventilating from how hard she was crying**

**“Valerie! Honey breathe...look at me...” Elsie put her hands on Valerie’s thighs which made Valerie jump out her seat**

**“No! Don’t touch me...”**

**“Okay I won’t touch you but I need you to be one hundred percent honest with me...” Elsie was soft with her words, she didn’t want Valerie to be scared into silence but she did have to ask her something that she never imagined asking her granddaughter in a million years.**

**Valerie manages to get out a “I’ll be honest, I promise you” through her tears**

**Elsie just nodded, before she stood up standing opposite her broken and trembling granddaughter “Did he rape you?”**

**Valerie just collapsed on the floor,shaking and nodding her head “Yes... but please I don’t want to talk about it I can’t!”**

**Elsie honestly wanted to kill the bastard, the guy who broke her granddaughter into a million pieces and she probably would kill him given the chance. Valerie though was her first priority.**

* * *

 

****

End of flashback

“Oh Valerie...” Trixie frowned “I’m so sorry that happened to you. Valerie you didn’t deserve any of that no one does”

 

 

 

“I never told anyone what happened, only my gran and Lorraine. Trixie he lives right around the corner do you know how much it takes, how much strength it takes for me to get on that bike every single day? It’s a lot for me. What keeps me going though? Midwifery. Delivering babies and everything to do with being a midwife that keeps me alive.” Valerie finally took a breath, even though she did look as if she was about to self combust from the angry and shock of everything.

 

 

 

“Sweetie... Valerie, look at me...” Trixie held Val's face between her hands “You’re safe okay? I promise. Valerie...Can I ask if you fell pregnant from what happened?” Trixie asked as delicately as possible.

 

 

 

Val nodded her head, trembling as she continued to sob “I was a few months gone when I found out I was pregnant Trixie!”

 

 

 

“Did you tell anyone?” Trixie asked

 

 

 

“Yeah, my gran. She told me we’d figure it out but I just wanted to not be pregnant in the first fucking place. I didn’t feel safe, I still don’t but Trixie I knew I had to do something, if I didn’t the shame would of killed me. I know it...I know it.”

 

 

“Valerie. Valerie listen to be...” Trixie begged her friend to hear her words as she held the bottom of her face in the palm of her hands trying not to cry herself “You had and still have nothing to be ashamed of, you didn’t ask for him to do any of that you and what’s more he’s a monster for thinking that it’s okay to do so.” Trixie replied with so much anger in her voice at the man who hurt her friend.

 

 

 

“But I felt like I did and do need to be ashamed Trixie. I mean that really doesn’t fucking matter if I wanted to or not, I was in the family way with a child I did not want. I however wasn’t given a fucking choice!” Val almost screamed, her tears rolling down her now red and blotchy face, you could here the anger and hatred in her voice.

 

* * *

 

****

Flashback to the night

Valerie found out that

She was pregnant

 

**“Valerie please take a seat!” Dr. Turner said with his always caring tone, smiling lightly as they walked into his examination room.**

**Valerie sat down, taking steady deep breaths for the most part she knew, what she was about to be told however a small part of her was really hoping in gods name that she was wrong.**

**“Dr. Turner please just tell me...am I in the family way?” Valerie asked firmly and without a tremble. That wouldn’t last for long though.**

**“Yes, Miss. Dyer the test we sent of has confirmed that you’re pregnant.”**


	6. Telling Lorraine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know this is hard hitting, but I would like to give you another warning there are scenes in this that talk about sexual assault, a little more detailed so just be sure about reading.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this chapter again, you have been warned that there is talk of sexual assault in this chapter so just be careful.

** “Dr. Turner please just tell me am I in the family way?” Valerie asked firmly and without a tremble. That however wouldn’t last for long. **

** “Yes. Miss. Dyer, the test we sent off has confirmed that you are indeed expecting.” Doctor Turner smiled, not realizing how completely devastating this news was for his patient. **

** Valerie tried to take it all in, but Valerie just gasped, falling apart “No. ** **..oh ** **  god no, please no, please god no! This can’t be!” Valerie cried, almost falling of the chair she was sitting on **

** “Miss. Dyer?” The kind doctor asked “Is everything okay?” **

** “Everything okay? No everything is not okay.” Valerie tried to pull herself together as much as she was able to “Look Dr. Turner is there any way at all, that you could recommend me for a termination of this pregnancy?” **

** “No. ** **..Miss. ** **  Dyer, There are no medical grounds in which I can do that, I’m very sorry but maybe in a few weeks or months you’ll feel much happier about the situation, however our midwives-” Dr. Turner wasn’t given the chance to finish his sentence before Valerie quickly stood up, shaking and running from the room and the practice itself. **

** Valerie ran to her grans, the only place she felt one hundred percent safe, this time she didn’t wait for her gran to come to the door. She walked in seeing her gran having a cup of tea. Elsie looked up from the cup of tea she was having, seeing Val standing in her kitchen shaking, clearly in a panic as tears streamed down her granddaughter's face, rolling off her chin and her nose running like crazy.  **

** “Valarie? What on earth is wrong sweetheart?” Elsie frowned, standing up and walking over to Valerie, she didn’t want to touch her  ** ** jus ** **  in case she would freak out again, but she did want to know what was upsetting Val. **

** “I-I’m pregnant...Gran what am I going to do?” Valerie screeched, falling to her knees and leaning up against the wall “What am I going to do? Fuck!” Valerie grabbed the glass that was on the small table and threw it across the room, making it smash on the opposite wall “I can’t do this, what the fuck am I going to do?!” Valarie cried hysterically, panic lingering in her voice **

** “Val... Valerie...” Elsie slowly knelt down in front of her, putting the palm of her hand on the ground “Valerie darlin’ we’ll figure this out I promise you. I will keep you safe, you will be okay, I love you and I swear to whatever god is out there that we will figure all of this out.” **

** “ ** ** Oh ** **  c’mon Gran, this  ** ** ain ** ** ’ ** ** t ** **  so cut an’ dry. You do know ** ** , ** **  that right? The doctor said the midwives can ‘ ** ** elp ** **  me and support me in every way possible... I was raped!” Valerie cried so hard she could be sitting in a river of her own tears. “This is the reality of what happened to me, it’s my reality now, I never wanted this, never and now I have to live with this? If I had this baby Gran, I would have to look into his or her eyes every day knowing that they were conceived with me being pushed up against a brick wall, his hand over my mouth to stop me from crying and him...” Valerie sobbed, continuing to tremble “And then after he knocked me to the ground, kicked my stomach breaking two ribs which only healed a month ago. Gran how would I ever be able to bring up a child that came from the worst night of my life?” Val sobbed, just trying to take some deep breaths and calm herself down. **

** Elsie wasn’t too shocked by how Val was speaking about all of this, but she did have to take a moment when her granddaughter was talking about what had happened to her, two and a half months ago, she took a breath and leaned in closer to Valarie and quietly asked her something very important “Darlin’ I hate to ask you this, have you told Lorraine what happened?” **

** Valerie who was no longer crying, looked her grandmother directly in the eye “Is that a joke? No! I have not told her, she doesn’t fucking know gran, she’ll be so angry. I have been so closed off with her... Lorraine will hate me.” **

** “Valerie, she’s your girlfriend and I can bet you she won’t be angry at you what so ever, maybe a little upset that you didn’t talk to her sooner but there’s no way in hell she’ll be angry with you. I can tell you who she will be angry at...that’s him, the one who hurt you and has made you-” Elsie quickly stopped before she dug herself a hole. **

** “Made me what? Eh gran? Go on tell me what has he made me exactly?” Val frowned with anger **

** “Val honey, he made you terrified to even be touch, he broke you. Now don’t tell me that’s not true because you know as well as I do that it is true. I care about you Val, you’re my favorite granddaughter, I’m worried about you” **

** “I-I-I don’t mean to not want to be touched I just-” **

** “I’m not blaming you darlin’, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for but you have got to tell Lorraine what happened.” Elsie insisted **

** Valerie wasn’t sure she should, she was terrified that Lorraine wouldn’t see her in the same way again, however she loved Lorraine more than anyone else in the world and Valerie knew she had to tell her, even if she was more scared than ever. **

** Valerie stood up off the ground, her gran stood up with her “Okay...okay, I’ll tell her. In fact, she’s just getting off work now I promise that I’ll go speak to her right away. Happy?” Val said with a sort of coldness to her tone as she tried to shut off her emotions. **

** “Val...” Elsie grabbed Valerie by her arm, which she quickly squirmed at, pulling away fast. **

** “No! Don’t...please!” Val gasped as she jumped back “I’m sorry gran, I just- I can’t.” **

** “It’s alright, why don’t you go and speak to your very loving and forgiving girlfriend and I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” Elsie smiled softly **

** Valerie just nodded before walking out. She had to walk past where she was attacked and it was one of the hardest things, she had to do that day. Val could barely stand as she walked past the very place it all happened, flashbacks going through her brain, asking herself why she didn’t fight more, scream more, cry more, just do more to stop him but she didn’t, she couldn’t she had frozen. Valerie was blaming herself and by the time she was at Lorraine’s she was a complete and utter mess, tears streaming down her face, nose running and face red from all the crying. **

** “Valerie?” Lorraine questioned seeing her girlfriend by her front door “Haven’t seen you in two days, everything okay?” Lorraine asked as she opened her front door. **

** “I- well-look can we talk honey?” **

** “Wait you? Valerie ‘no talk’ Dyer now wants to talk?” **

** “Lorraine please... I know I’ve been-” **

** “Cold? Stand off- ** ** ish ** **? You know what forget it, come in and we can talk.” Lorraine smiled grabbing Valerie's hand, and Valerie quickly pulled away. **

** “No. Don’t...touch me. Please” **

** “Are  ** ** you ** **  serious right now?” Lorraine asked, shaking her head and inviting Valerie in, they both sat next to one another  ** ** o ** **  the sofa. **

** “Talk. Now.” Lorraine stated **

** “Okay, look Lorraine after we went dancing at the dolphin the last time, which was what two, three months ago? Well something happened when we parted that evening, when we said goodnight and she went home and as I was walking back to my own home...I was attacked...” Valerie paused for a moment to let Lorraine say anything of she wanted to **

** “Oh God. Valerie I-” **

** “Wait... Lorraine...” Val gulped “I was raped and I’m pregnant because of that attack.” Val just burst into tears **

** “Val... oh Val, my poor baby, why didn’t you tell me sooner?!” Lorraine asked, as she went to pull her girlfriend into a hold **

** “No!” Valerie quickly stood up “Don’t touch me, I still can’t...can’t bare it, well I’m struggling to be touched. It’s why I’ve been so cold with you and I’m sorry for that. Now why didn’t I tell you? Why? Why?” Val chuckled as the tears continued to roll down her cheeks “I was afraid! Afraid that you’d see me differently, not want to be with me, no longer love me, hate me, maybe even blame me!” Valerie breathed “But Lor, most of all I was ashamed and embarrassed.” She cried out, sobbing into Lorraine’s arms **

** Lorraine ran her fingers through the beautiful brunette's hair on Valerie Dyer’s head “Val, I love you okay honey? I love you and we will get you through this. I got you, I’m here, now promise me one thing sweetie?” Lorraine asked **

** “What?” **

** “Promise me and I mean this, don’t you dare push me away and don’t you pull away either, don’t close up. It’s you and me, us forever? Remember that.” **

** “I promise. I love you Lor...” Val looked right into the shinning blue eyes of her girlfriend “I need something from you though...” **

** “Anything Val, you know I’ll do absolutely anything for you.” **

** Valerie took a breath as her eyes began to water, tears falling down her face. Valerie had endured a lot of pain and suffering over the last twenty-two years of her life, especially being in the army. Nothing however had been as hard for her as the last few weeks had been, and how the next few weeks would come to be. **

** “The doctor couldn’t give me a legal abortion, apparently there were no medical grounds for one, but Lorraine I need one...I need-” **

** “You need me to find someone who will perform an abortion, illegally?” Lorraine inhaled slowly “No Val, honey you- you can’t ask me to do that – you can’t...” Lorraine stumbled over her last few words **

** “Lorraine. You know for a fact that I wouldn’t ask unless I had to, if I do not get rid of this... baby, I’m going to get rid of myself.” Val cried, breaking down and falling into Lorraine’s arms “I know you know people Lor! Please! I’m fucking begging you! Please!” **

** Valerie was in an absolute state, almost hyperventilating with so much panic flooding her body. As much as Lorraine didn’t want to do this, she could see the fear in Valerie, she was crying and sweating and shaking. “Okay, okay,  ** ** shhhh ** ** ,  ** ** shhhh ** **. I got you darling, I know where you can go.” **

** Valerie stayed over that night, she practically cried herself to sleep cuddled into Lorraine, and Lorraine was tossing and turning all night long, because the next day she would be sending her girlfriend to someone who was going to illegally abort the growing fetus. Lorraine was terrified to lose Valerie and that’s why she was doing this. **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you're enjoying this! Don't forget to leave kudos and to leave a comment!


	7. 'Rose'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the chapter, Valerie takes us back to the day she had the abortion, and how truly horrific it was for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was hard for me to write. I cried.
> 
> Are you ready to read a soul-destroying chapter? If so make sure you have Kleenex at the ready. You are going to need them.

Trixie sat there looking at Valerie, a concerned look covering her face "Wait -  you asked her - and - and she complied?" Trixie was a little surprised that her friend had ever thought about, or gone down that road after all Valerie was a qualified nurse and midwife at the time, surely she had understood the risks associated with having an abortion. The truth of it was, Valerie had known all the risks too well that were associated with receiving an abortion, however she just didn't feel like she had any other choice at the time.

 

Valerie nodded, her hands trembling "She - she just wanted to make me happy, I told I'd do myself in if she didn't help and I meant it, Lorraine wanted to do anything to keep me alive. She wanted to stop me from crying. Trix, all I could think about was the shame and how that baby had come into existence... I wasn't seeing clearly but I was blaming myself for what happened, I still do." Valerie let out a painfully deep sigh, as Val held back her tears

 

"It's not your f-"

 

"Trixie. Please don't try and convince me it's not all my fault."

 

 

** Flashback to the day of abortion **

****

**Valerie had barely managed to sleep last night, nor had Lorraine, they'd both tossed and turned all night. Lorraine was first up this morning, she needed to take some time to herself before her girlfriend woke up.**

**"Good morning honey. How'd you sleep?" Lorraine asked, seeing Valerie walk into the kitchen, as she was pouring the hot water into the tea, and added the milk before she passed the mug over to Valerie.**

**"I'm as good as I can be, I s'pose."  Valerie shrugged, as she took the mug of tea from her girlfriend and they both went and cuddled up on the sofa.**

**"Val? Baby are you sure about thus? If something happened, something went wrong - I don't think I'd ever be able to forgive myself." Lorraine sighed in frustration.**

**Valerie quickly sat up, placing her mug of tea on the coffee table in front of her. She sat knees up facing her girlfriend  "Lorraine, I know you're worried but if you don't help me, I will find someone else, someone who won't try and keep my safe, or I'll bloody well, do myself in." Valerie cried**

**Lorraine quickly placed her own mug next to Val's, before cupping her darling's face "Valerie. I love you okay? I'm scared for you, I don't want to lose you and after you go through this I don't want you to hate me if you get sick, especially if I sent you to the woman who made you ill."**

**"This is my choice and mine alone, I won't blame you and no one else will find out, that it was you who gave me the information. I love you, Lorraine, I want to spend my life with you, you understand? After this, we can start afresh."**

**Lorraine nodded, as much as she hated this, hated how Valerie even had to make this decision, a decision that could kill her, Lorraine didn't want to think about what would happen if she lost Valerie, but she also knew if Valerie didn't go down this road it would be assured that she would most defiantly lose her.**

**"Would you like me to come with you? She agreed to see you this morning, around 10?" Lorraine asked**

**"No, I need to do this alone. Meet me on the corner of Brixton street after though?" Valerie asked "No doubt, I'll need help getting home."**

**"My home? Or yours?"**

**"Ours. Lorraine the place I feel safest is with you, in your house which let's face it, I spend most of my time there anyway. So at this point,   I feel like it's our home." Valerie smiled**

**"That's what I like to hear."**

** End of Flashback **

****

"Honestly Trix, those two hours I waited to leave the house seemed like forever, it was hell, but nothing could of prepared me for the hell I was about to go through and put Lorraine through" Valerie trembled

 

"Did you meet her after you had the procedure?" Trixie asked

 

"I did, but things got worse when I got home."

 

Valerie took a few silent breaths before she continued telling Trixie what had happened, she needed to take the time because she wasn't telling a made up story, she was talking about something that actually happened to her, something she's lived through and it was still very raw and painful to talk about.

 

* * *

 

**Valerie and Lorraine stood on the corner of Brixton street, completely out of sight of everyone else, Lorraine held Valerie hands tight in her own "Are you sure?"**

**"Lorraine, we've gone over this, I don't have a choice."**

**"I love you Valerie." Lorraine held back her tears, she looked around making sure no one was around before, she kissed her girlfriends lips softly and pulling away. "Number 6, her name is Rose, it's not her real name but she is expecting you. If anything happens, I'm sorry Valerie, I'm so sorry."**

**"Hey, Lorraine..." Valerie cupped her face in her hands "Don't blame yourself for my decision, please."**

**Lorraine nodded, and they shared one last kiss before going their separate ways.**

**Valerie walked up to the door paused for a moment holding the money tight in her pocket, before she knocked.**

**The door was answered in ample time. "You must be Miss. Dyer?" The woman asked. She had long black hair, tied back into French plaits, with dark brown eyes, almost black but not quite. She was wearing a black long sleeved top under her dungarees, with a pair of what looked like army boots.**

**"Yes, hello." Valerie replied with a slight smile.**

**"Come in. I'm Rose." The woman said and Valerie walking in "Diane, take this lady through please!" She shouted out**

**A girl about 14 years old who looked almost identical to 'Rose' took Valerie to a room, where there was a table covered in a sheet that was covering some pillows. "My Ma'am will be right through, just make yourself comfy." The young girl smiled, having an Irish accent.**

**Valerie perched herself on the edge of the bed and waited for Rose to come back, which didn't take long.**

**Rose walked through closing the door "Shall we get the unsavory bit out of the way first? We did agree on guineas?"**

**Valerie didn't say a word she just pulled the envelope with the money in out her pocket, passing into Rose.**

**"Okay. Now coat off, need you on your back on the table, knees drawn up." Rose said, "Don't worry, you're in safe hands."**

**Valerie nodded, trembling as she took her coat off placing it on the only chair in the room. The young girl came through with a mug of what Valerie presumed to be tea, giving it to Rose and walking back out again.**

**"Valerie, take a sip of this, it'll calm your nerves." Rose passed her the small teacup that smelled of lemon, honey, and ginger.**

**Valerie took the tea, god knows she needed it.**

**She gave it back to Rose, and laid down on her back, knees drawn up and she was passed a sheet to cover herself as she took off her underwear and slacks.**

**Rose placed the teacup on the side table and put Valerie's slacks, and pants on the chair and she got out the instruments she needed from a side draw.**

**"Take a deep breath for me," Rose said calmly like she was asking her what flavored ice cream she wanted. But she wasn't, this, this was nothing like ice cream.**

**Rose got to work immediately.**

**The screams that came from the room were harrowing, enough to make any grown man shiver. Valerie screamed the place down, clutching at the sides of the table as her tears fell down her face. All she could think about was the night she was beaten and raped, she wasn't allowed to scream then, but now she was given permission to scream as loudly as possible. Which Valerie did so, she howled.**

**Rose had heard plenty of screams like Valerie's so it didn't affect or disturb her in any way.**

**It felt like hours that she had been on that table, with every piece of the sharp object that went into her, it just hurt more each time. She just had to make it through to see Lorraine again.**

**"Valerie. We're all finished." Rose smiled, cleaning her up and helping to sit the young woman upright.**

**"It's all-- it's all done? Did- did it come away?" Valerie asked as the sweat dripped down her, a shake to her voice, face all red and swollen from crying.**

**"It will do, might take a day or two," Rose replied as calm as anything.**

**"It won't live, will it?" Valerie sobbed**

**"No. You worked up a lovely flow of blood."**

**In a place that had just hurt Valerie and the child she was carrying inside of her, they were also sp very caring in their approach to her and how they dealt with her. They gave her as much time as she needed to get herself together and ready. They helped Valerie back into her pants and slacks, she put on her boots and her coat and thanked Rose before walking out the house, just as if she'd gone to see Dr. Turner.**

**The fact of it was she hadn't gone to see Dr. Turner, she'd gone to see some woman up the backstreet. Someone she had sought out because she knew and felt in her heart of hearts it was her only option.**

**As Valerie stepped out another woman came to the door, for Rose, she had said her name was Patsy Mount, all Valerie could think about as she walked back to meet Lorraine was about the poor, red-headed girl who was just about to go through the same as her. How in 1962 was this the only other option that women had. It's their bodies, shouldn't it be their choice? The answer is of course that it should be but by law, it wasn't. That was, however, something that would change by 1967, when they legalized abortion in England and Scotland.**

**"Val?" Lorraine saw her girlfriend struggling to walk towards her, and Valerie just collapsed into Lorraine's arms.**

**"Valerie?" Lorraine felt Val's head with the back of her hand, she had a clearly high fever.**

**"Valerie I think we should get you to hospital."**

**"No! No" Please just- just get me home please!" Valerie whimpered, hanging onto Lorraine for dear life.**

**"Okay, alright sweetheart just hold on to me, hold on." Lorraine encouraged as she walked them slowly back to her home, by the time they were at her front door, Valerie was sweating and shaking, just trying to put one foot in front of the other.**

**Lorraine managed to get Valerie inside, and she put her to bed, but by the evening Valerie was worse, shivering and sweating and whimpering. "Valerie I need to get you to hospital. Right now"**

**"N-n-n-no." Valerie shivered**

**"You don't have a choice in this. You have no say in this, you could die if I don't get you some help." Lorraine didn't care if her girlfriend would hate her forever, she could see her dying in front of her eyes and she couldn't watch that happening.**

**Lorraine scooped Valerie up into her arms, carrying her to the car and laying her across the back seat, throwing a warm blanket over her and driving to the hospital as fast as she could, she needed to get Valerie there, she didn't care how many laws she broke to make that happen.**

**"This is all my fault, all my fault, all my fault," Lorraine whispered frantically to herself on the way to the hospital, as tears practically poured from her eyes, falling off her chin.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read this.
> 
> Don't forget to leave kudos and to comment!


	8. Those three words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back in 1962, how do Lorraine and Valerie cope now that she's home? Will the get through it? or will it rip them apart?
> 
> Pressent day, How do Lorraine and Valerie feel about one another? Do they still love one another or is that all in the past?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reading!
> 
> Don't forget to comment, leave kudos and maybe share on twitter or Tumblr? it would help me alot! <3

**A/N:**

 

**Bold writing: Flashback**

Normal writing: Present day in 1964

* * *

 

 **Lorraine had managed to get Valerie to the hospital in just the nick of time. There were no words to explain the fear that lay within Lorraine, you see by the time the doctors took Valerie away she was haemorrhaging and the blood... there was just so much of it. Lorraine was sure she’d never be able to get that image of her girlfriend laying there in a pool of her own blood, out of her head** **.** **S** **he would certainly never ever forget, not for one moment those heart-wrenching and earth-shattering screams.**  

 

 **It was pure hell.**  

 

 **Lorraine was sitting in the hall** **outside of the ward that Valerie was being kept on** **. An** **older woman of whom looked to be in her 60’s approached her “Lorraine?”**  

 

 **“Elsie!” Lorraine looked up, relieved to see the older woman standing there.**  

 

 **“Why aren’t you sitting with Val?” Elsie frowned** **.**  

 

 **“You know why. Hospital policy says so, I’m not allowed to, according to the hospital I’m not her nearest and dearest Elsie.”**  

 

 **“Come on, darlin’ come** **wiv** **’** **me.”  Elsie smiled, nodding and held out her hand** **which Lorraine grabbed almost instantly, and came to her feet.**  

 

 **“Lorraine, love...” Elsie started as she stroked the side of the woman’s face “You and I both know that you are, maybe even more than myself – you are Valerie’s nearest and dearest. I accept you as you are. You must know that Lorraine.” Elsie sighed softly**  

 

 **“Yes, of course I do, I know that but Elsie the problem is the rest of the world, society hates us. You can’t den** **y** **our... mine and Valerie’s entire being isn’t even legal right now. We disgust people, to the core. Everyone thinks and even feels deep down that we are sinners and I-”**  

 

 **“Lorraine. Lorraine stop, sweetheart, I am fully aware that, that is indeed what the rest of this nasty dehumanising world thinks however myself as-well as Val’s mother and your Aunt, we know for a fact that, that is just not true** **. Y** **ou are both so beautiful and kind and loving and so very caring in every single thing you do. Lorraine, you both just love differently and** **, in my eyes,** **and others that shouldn’t be a crime. I am disgusted by the human race that it is** **a crime** **, but you have to keep on going, keep on fighting because I believe one day you won’t have to hide or feel like you need to be ashamed of who you are or your relationship. It shouldn’t be illegal to love differently.”**  

 

 **“But... it is Elsie.”**  

 

 **Elsie just nodded knowingly, unsure of what else to say so Elsie walked through the doors closely followed by Lorraine onto the ward in which her granddaughter was on.**  

 

 **Both Lorraine and Elsie sat beside Valerie until she woke up after the ordeal she had just gone through. It took quite a while for her to wake, and it was rather touch and go for a bit, Valerie had almost died** **during her** **surgery and all they could do now was wait.**  

 

 **It felt like the longest 24 hours in history, sitting by Valerie’s bedside and simply just waiting for her to wake up, but even when the doctors had told Valerie and Elsie that it was highly unlikely that she would even wake up, the both of them had more hope and faith then all the nuns and** **Nonnatus** **H** **ouse put together.**  

 

 **Valerie finally began waking up “I-I’m sorry” she croaked looking directly into Lorraine’s eyes** **.**  

 

 **“Hey, hey, hey it’s okay,** **you’re** **alright love” Lorraine smiled with such relive seeing** **her** **girlfriend** **s** **eye’s open and she pushed her fringe out of her face, before Elsie suddenly grabbed Lorraine’s arm, stopping her from touching Valerie.**  

 

 **Elsie shook her head seriously, as she eyed over at the other doctors, nurses, patients and family members that were in the ward itself and then Elsie looked back over to** **Lorraine** **.**  

 

 **Lorraine sighed heavily as she pulled her** **hand** **away completely knowing that Elsie was right and she couldn’t be shown to being giving Valerie affection, and one of the doctors seeing that Valerie was awake came over to her bed and began to check her notes.**  

 

 

* * *

 

 

 “Were you okay? Well I mean clearly you were okay because well you’re sitting in front of me now, but you know what I mean.” Trixie said, as she cleaned up the last of the blood dripping down Valerie’s neck and arms. 

 

“Was I okay?” Valerie chuckled slightly “That’s questionable, but not really. I was in shock for a while and to be perfectly honest, when I did wake up I think it was far harder on my gran and my girlfriend than it ever was on me.” 

 

Trixie just nodded; she wasn’t exactly too sure what the appropriate thing was to say. She couldn’t imagine going through anything like that, however the words that Valerie spoke next, Trixie related to far more than she would like to admit. 

 

“When my gran left the ward to give Lorraine and I some time... I looked directly at Lorraine and said I didn’t want to die, I just wanted the pain of what had happened to me that had gotten me into this mess, I wanted that pain to end.” Valerie paused looking away from Trixie “I mean I didn’t attempt suicide or anything of the sort but going to that woman, to that abortionist was as good as, it was a fucking suicide mission Trixie!” Valerie shouted, as the tears just seemed to pour down her face. 

 

“Valerie, oh Valerie c’mon sweetie, you weren’t to know that you would haemorrhage” Trixie frowned. 

 

“Maybe not, but I chose to go and see her knowing full well that the procedure could kill me. I mean yes, I wanted rid of the baby I was carrying and part of me knew I could die. I didn’t want to die but I thought that if I did, at least then I wouldn’t have to suffer any longer after what that man did to me.” 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **Valerie was allowed home in** **just over 6 weeks** **. Lorraine drove her back to their place and Elsie wasn’t too far away if they needed her.**  

 

 **“Can I get you anything?” Lorraine asked gently, as she pulled the covers over Valerie** **.**  

 

 **“I’m fine, although it would be nice if you maybe came to bed tonight and actually you know? slept next to me.” Valerie sighed.**  

 

 **Valerie had been home from the hospital for almost two weeks now, and for the first four nights Lorraine would just pull up a chair at Valerie’s bedside and she would just watch her sleep, keeping a close eye on her and Elsie would then do the same during the day when Lorraine went to work.**  

 

 **As much as Lorraine wanted to be home** **24/7** **she wasn’t able to, at the end of the day someone still had to bring the money in, pay the bills, buy the food etc. Which did mean going to work.**  

 

 **After those four days, Valerie was beginning to gain her strength  however Lorraine was being a little more distant, she wouldn’t sleep in the same bed as her girlfriend instead she chose to sleep on the sofa and although she hadn’t told Val the reasoning why, Valerie did have an incline as to the reason of why her girlfriend wasn’t being her usual self or why she wasn’t even willing to sleep in the space next to her any longer.**  

 

 **“Wait!” Valerie grabbed Lorraine’s arm before she was able to leave the room and go down stairs.**  

 

 **Lorraine took a deep breath before turning slowly on heels to look at Valerie.**  

 

 **“I know you’re blaming yourself.” Valerie said quietly, not quite meeting Lorraine’s eye as she spoke to her.**  

 

 **“Can you blame me?” Lorraine snapped, far more harshly** **than** **she meant to** **as she started** **becoming tearful.**  

 

 **“Lorraine, sweetheart it was not your fault, I promise you, it really wasn’t.” Valerie tried with everything she had to convince Lorraine that she did nothing wrong, but if Lorraine didn’t believe anything other than she was to blame then nothing Valerie says, would make even the slightest of differences.**  

 

 **“Oh really? Is that so? And yet I am the one who gave you her name and address, sending you right to the butcher herself, hell I even waited for you around the corner from her. How can you s** **ay** **I’m not to blame? I am to blame! I AM ALL TO BLAME!” Lorraine cried out as she collapsed on the bed falling into Valerie’s arms.**  

 

 **“But my darling...” Valerie lifted Lorraine up to look her in the eyes and she place** **d** **her hands on either side of her girlfriends face “My darling Lorraine, I made the choice to go and if you hadn’t of given me her name I would of gone and found some other woman who may well have killed me. I’m not dead, and Lorraine sweetheart, this is not your fault this was my decision and mine alone. You did nothing wrong.”**  

 

 

* * *

 

 

“She blamed herself Trixie for the choices that I made, Lorraine felt that me nearly dying was her fault but it wasn’t she was not to blame, that was on me and no one but me other than the woman who actually did the procedure.” 

 

“What happened with you and Lorraine?” Trixie asked gently. 

 

“We never slept in the same bed again.” 

 

Trixie frowned, understanding but not at the same time “What do you mean?” 

 

“Well, Lorraine blamed herself so very much that she took it upon herself to leave. She felt I was better off without her, which isn’t true and never was the case.” 

 

Trixie continued to frown at her friend and she took Valerie’s hands into her own “You still love her, don’t you?” 

 

“How — how did you — I mean —” 

 

“Oh c’mon Valerie, it’s obvious, the way you’ve just been talking about her every time you say her name your eyes they light up like god damn fireworks and when we found her on the floor bleeding, the way you ran to her and spoke to her was so much more than being a nurse and midwife and more than being really good friends.” Trixie smiled 

 

“Oh... so you could — you could tell?” 

 

“Yes Valerie, I think even Sister Julienne would be able to tell I mean the two of you weren’t exactly subtle about your history or how you still felt about one another, even if neither of you are willing to openly admit it.” Trixie chuckled a little. 

 

“Trix, I love her so very much, she could barely look at herself when I almost died, I had haemorrhaged badly and I contracted Septicaemia, I was barely alive I could have died... I nearly did.” 

 

“So, I don’t understand, if that’s how she felt after you almost died from having an abortion and going down a backstreet to some woman, how could she go and do exactly the same thing?” Trixie asked with serious confusion. 

 

“Trixie, do you know what pure desperation is like? We all do what we think we must or what we feel is the only choice we have left. Lorraine would have only done that if she truly thought she didn’t have any other choice; I know that feeling; feeling of fear and desperation and the panic. The panic can be worse than anything else. Trixie if you’re desperate enough, you’d be willing to do almost anything.” 

 

“Even something that could kill you? And knowingly so?” Trixie asked, almost in complete shock, she had dealt with abortion cases before, as a nurse, but this was different because this was about her friend, it was happening to close to home for her to think like a nurse. 

 

 

“Yes, if you feel that you have absolutely nowhere else to turn, knowing you could die honestly isn’t too big of a big deal or even at the forefront of your mind and-” 

 

Valerie and Trixie’s conversation, was suddenly interrupted by a knock at the door “Nurse Dyer?” 

 

“Hi Nurse Busby.” Valerie looked up from the edge of the bed she was sat on and jumped off the edge landing firmly on the ground. 

 

"I am Miss. Warren’s Nurse, she’s actually asking for you.” 

 

“I can see her?” Valerie questioned, her eyes lighting up and anyone would have been stupid not to see what exactly Lorraine meant to Valerie. 

 

“Yes, you can see her but you can’t stay too long, she needs to rest okay?” 

 

“Okay, is she alright? I mean did she —” 

 

“She’s okay, she haemorrhaged badly, however she was lucky you found her just in time otherwise she would have been a lot worse of. She didn’t need a hysterectomy; Miss. Warren however did bleed rather heavily so she’s currently having a blood transfusion, meaning she will be incredibly weak, so just be gentle with her which I have no doubt that you will be.” Nurse Busby said with a caring smile. 

 

“Thank you.” Valerie smiled back  

 

“Of course, now if you just follow me, I shall take you to see her.” 

 

“Would you like me to come with you Valerie?” Trixie asked not wanting to over step if her friend didn’t want her there. 

 

“Thank you Trix, I appreciate it I really do but I think this is something I need to do alone, maybe you could go and tell Sister Julienne what happened? Just tell her Lorraine is an old friend of mine, that’s all she needs to know about our relationship.” 

 

Trixie nodded at her friend's words, she picked up her things giving Vals shoulder a gentle squeeze as she walked past and out the room. 

 

“Ready?” Nurse Busby questioned 

 

Valerie took a deep, sharp breath before she turned on her heels and slowly followed the nurse to where Lorraine was. 

 

“Here we are, as you can see, she’s in her own private room and as I said before she is very weak so just tread carefully.” Nurse Busby said trying to be gentle with her words. 

 

“I understand.” Valerie nodded, feeling somewhat relief as she saw Lorraine laying there in the bed, out for the count but safe and alive. 

 

“Oh, and Valerie...” Nurse Busby grabbed her arm, not too hard but hard enough to alert her. 

 

“Yes?” Valarie questioned 

 

“Maybe remind her that you love her. Believe me, saying it helps.” 

 

“I- I- how-" Valerie stumbled over her words a little. 

 

“Look, I shouldn’t really talk about my personal life, but I have seen you in the gateways club and look here’s the thing, I was in an accident a few years ago. I had a severe head injury, lost most of my memory I couldn’t even remember that Patsy was my girlfriend —” Nurse Busby spoke quietly and rather quickly. 

 

“Whoa — wait a second! You had an accident? I know you like girls in a way—” 

 

“In a way that I’m not really supposed to. Yes. You see a few weeks after my head injury my mother took me back home to Wales to try and recover. Which I did, I recovered well, and as soon as my memory began to heal and I remembered exactly who Patsy was, all I wanted and all I needed was to hear her tell me that she loved me. Hearing those words would—” Nurse Busby wanted to continue, she hadn’t really spoken to anyone about what had happened to anyone, not even Patsy at least not really. Nurse Busby however felt it wise to stop after all Valerie wasn’t here to hear about her sorrows, she was here to visit Lorraine Warren. 

 

Valerie though, was not stupid in any sense of the word. She could see in her friend's eyes that she wanted and almost probably needed to continue but at this point neither of them had the time. 

 

“Delia, if you want to talk more about what happened if you want someone to talk to about what you went through, you know where to find me and we can organise a time to go for a coffee or something and you can talk, we can talk. How does that sound?” Valerie smiled with a calmness and a kind of lovingness to her voice, a sound that she really did care about Delia and wanted to help in whichever way she could. 

 

“That sounds, actually that sounds splendid. I will most certainly take you up on that offer, that’s for sure.” Delia smiled as she opened the door to Lorraine’s room for Valerie. “Ready?” 

 

“As I’ll ever be.” Valerie replied, slowly walking into Lorraine’s room and Delia shut the door behind her giving the two as much privacy as was possible in the hospital. Valerie pulled up a chair sitting closely at Lorraine’s bedside. 

 

Valerie took her time taking a hold of Lorraine’s hand and holding her hand gently, she kissed the back of it before she let the tears, she’d be holding back release. 

 

“Lorraine? Lorraine? It’s me, it’s V— it’s your Valerie.” Val struggled to get her words out, breathing heavily through her tears. Valerie held Lorraine’s face between her hands “Lorraine! Please! It’s me, wake up, please! I can’t lose you!” Valerie cried; her heart was clearly breaking. 

 

Lorraine began slowly opening her eyes, looking directly into Valerie’s beautiful brown orbs “Valerie?” Lorraine croaked as she came to. 

 

“Yes! Yes, love it’s me, darling it’s me, It's your Val!” Valerie sobbed as she franticly ran her fingers through Lorraine’s long hair. 

 

“Why are you here?” Lorraine questioned. 

 

“Oh, Lorraine why wouldn’t I be here? You’re everything to me. Do you understand? You’re everything to me!” Valerie sniffled, sounding like she had the worst cold in Poplar. 

 

“But I left you, and we parted in a rage, I mean how can you—” 

 

“Because I love you, you idiot!” Valerie blurted out as the tears just streamed down her face “I love you.” She repeated in a whisper. 

 

“Wait, you love, you love me?” Lorraine questioned hopefully. 

 

“Lorraine, I never really stopped. There is no doubt that you are the love of my life, don’t you understand that? I mean I tried, I really did try moving on, but the only person I tried moving on with turns out didn’t love me.” Valerie sighed “So, what’s it to be angel?” 

 

“I love you too. Always have Valerie. I’m not going to lose you again.” 

 

That was that. Valerie stayed with Lorraine as long as she was able to, and she was there any time the doctors or police came to speak to her and she was there when she was discharged, she took her back to her home and she moved back in with Lorraine. Valerie never once pushed for Lorraine to tell her what happened, she knew from experience only Lorraine would know when she could tell her. When she felt comfortable and she would tell Valerie, but it would shatter Valerie’s entire life, she would become a shadow of her former self upon finding out what happened to her girlfriend. 

 

That was something both Valerie and Lorraine had to be ready for. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reading all the way to the end - so just a reminder -
> 
> Don't forget to comment, leave kudos and maybe share on twitter or Tumblr? it would help me alot! <3


	9. Finding out the truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valerie and Lorraine are back together and Valerie has moved back in with her girlfriend. Valerie and Lorraine both get back to their work and Lorraine know she has to tell Valerie the truth, so she tells Patsy and Delia first and she makes sure that both of them are with her when she tells Valerie the truth.
> 
> However, does Lorraine manage to tell Valerie? If she does manage to so, how will Valerie cope?

“You think you’re ready to come back to work?” Sister Julienne asked Valerie as they say in her office.

“I - honestly Sister, I don’t know, I don’t know if I’ll ever know but what I do know is that I miss it. I miss the babies and the woman and all of our patients. I need to be working.” Valerie smiled.

Valerie was happy to be back with Lorraine and to be living with her girlfriend again but there was something missing and there was no doubt in her mind what that was. It was her work. After 2 weeks of Valerie waiting on Lorraine hand and foot, both the women decided it would be best for Valerie to speak to Sister Julienne about coming back to work and that’s what bought Valerie and Sister Julienne to be seated opposite one another in her office on this day.

“I understand, but both you and your friend Lorraine went through quite an ordeal. Are you positive you feel like you can cope being back at work?”

“Yes, Sister I am. Someone needs to pay the bills and I can work.”

“Okay, then. I do have one requirement however coming back to work means you will be on call, which also means you shall need to be here.” 

“Do I need to move back to  Nonnatus ?” Valerie asked, hoping she didn’t have to.

“No, not completely but you will have to for 3 days a week stay here at night.”

“I don’t see any problem with that. Anything else?” 

“Not from my end, do you have anything you feel you need to ask me Valerie?”

“Can I start right away?” Valerie asked hopefully.

“Of course.” Sister Julienne smiled before writing something on a piece of paper and handing it to Valerie “Take this down to Nurse Craine once you have gone home and changed into your uniform, and then she’ll be able to put your name on the rota. We will  start you back with district duty and then in a few days you can get back to midwifery if you’re agreeable?”

“Of course.” Valerie nodded as she took the paper from Sister Julienne, standing up and walking from the office.

Valerie was excited to be back at work but she now had to go back and tell Lorraine that, 3 days a week she would have to stay at  Nonnatus House and she wasn’t too sure how she would take it. Lorraine was still on the mend, but she also wasn’t able to sit still she would clean the house top to bottom every day, just trying to keep herself busy. Lorraine and Valerie were very alike in that sense, neither could sit with their feet up for too long.

“Lorraine?” Valerie knocked as she opened the front door “Where are you sweetheart?”

“I’m in the kitchen!” Lorraine called back

Valerie ran to her girlfriend who was indeed standing in the kitchen and cooking “Honey! You shouldn’t be on your feet!” 

“Valerie, I’m cooking, not lifting a car.” Lorraine chuckled “I’m fine.” 

Valerie couldn’t help but smile as she came up behind Lorraine, wrapping her arms around her petite waist and slowly kissing her on her neck “ Mmm ...smells good.”

“What? The food? It’s just soup.” Lorraine replied with a smirk

“No, no dear. You. You smell amazing. New perfume?” Valerie asked spinning her girlfriend around and kissing her hard on the lips.

“Actually yes. Now will you stop leaving me in suspense, tell me what did Sister Julienne say?”

Valerie just smiled “She said I could start immediately, with one little requirement...”

“Which is?”

“I have to stay at  Nonnatus for 3 days awake when I’m on the night shift, on call.”

Lorraine pulled away, unsure of what to make of what Valerie had just told her but she knew that she couldn’t say no. She couldn’t stop Valerie from doing what she loves “Okay.”

“Okay? You’re alright with me being away from you 3 nights a week.”

“Well, I’m not 100 percent happy about it, but I would never stop you going back to doing what you love Val.”

Valerie traced her fingers down the sides of Lorraine’s face, smirking as she did “But you’re what I love doing.”

“You can still do me any times you like.” Lorraine chuckled 

“Right I better go and get changed into my uniform, I’m expected back at  Nonnatus as soon as possible.” Valerie smiled kissing Lorraine before vanishing up the stairs, cleaning herself up and putting on her uniform and leaving the house heading back for  Nonnatus to go and see Nurse Craine.

* * *

 

Valerie had been back at work for almost 2 weeks now, Lorraine was now back at work too and everything was right in the world.

Everything wasn’t right though.

Lorraine still hadn’t confided in Valerie about who performed the abortion and she was getting incredibly worried about her girlfriend as she had been unusually quiet the last few weeks. Valerie decide to invite Patsy and Delia round for dinner one night and maybe, just maybe Lorraine would start begin to be herself again.

“So, I invited Patsy and Delia round for dinner tonight.” Valerie smiled as she slumped onto the sofa next to her girlfriend.

“Oh? Were you going to tell me?”

“I’m telling you now Lorraine, besides I only asked them this morning. Thought it would be a nice idea.”

“No, it is, it is, it’s a great idea, maybe it’ll get me out of this funk that I seem to be in as of late.”

“My sentiment exactly.” Valerie said “Now what shall I cook or would you like us to order some Chinese food at that new place that’s opened up around the corner?”

“Hmm...Chinese I think then we can all just relax a drink a lot of wine-”

“Oh, would you like me drunk then darling?” Valerie smirked

“No, that’s not – I meant -”

The both of them just looked at one another in complete silence before bursting out into laughter.

“What time are they arriving?” Lorraine asked

“I told them any time after 5.30”

“Okay, well it’s only 8 now so why don’t we get you up to bed because you my dear need some sleep. I need to get off to work as it’s my first day back and I’ll be home by 3pm alright?”

Valerie nodded as she yawned and Lorraine helped her  girlfriend up to bed before leaving for work. 

Lorraine was struggling a lot with recent events however she was incredibly happy to be back at work. She was a Transcriptionist and she enjoyed her work but Lorraine was still struggling to come to terms with what happened to her and she decided on her lunch break to go and talk to Patsy and Delia. Lorraine knew it was their day off and she needed some advice on how to tell Valerie the truth. Lorraine knew what she had to tell her girlfriend would destroy everything Valerie ever knew and Lorraine didn’t want to be the person to ruin Valerie’s life a second time around.

Lorraine took a breath before knocking at the door on  Nonnatus House, which was quickly answered by Sister Monica-Joan.

“No cake!” She explained when seeing Lorraine.

“ Uhh , well I have some lemon drizzle cake in my bag, if you’d like so-”

“ Oooh ! Yes please!” Sister Monica-Joan giggled holding out her hands for Lorraine to hand her the cake, in which Lorraine followed through rather quickly, taking the wrapped-up cake that Valerie had made her and passing it to the Sister with a gentle smile covering her face.

Sister Monica-Joan quickly grabbed the cake, running back inside passing Patsy “WE HAVE CAKE!”

“I can see that.” Patsy chuckled walking to the front door and meeting Lorraine “Sister Monica-Joan took your cake?”

“Yep. I mean I said I had some and offered it to her and she wasn’t shy about taking it.”

“No, she wouldn’t be shy about cake. Anyhow are you alright? Who are you here to see?” Patsy questioned.

“Actually you.”

“Me?” Patsy chuckled with a slight tone of surprise lacing her voice.

“Well, you and Delia to be exact, I need to talk to you about something.” Lorraine bit her lip nervously, thinking about what she’d have to tell the two of them and even more thinking about having to tell Valerie.

Patsy nodded “C’mon, why don’t we go up to mine and Delia’s room and we can talk.”

Patsy moved aside inviting Lorraine in and closing the door behind her. The quickly arrived in the room where Delia was sitting drinking some tea. “Deels.” Patsy spoke to announce their presence in the room.

“Hiya Pats. Oh, hello Lorraine? Is everything alright?” Delia asked with a frown.

“I’m... not too sure.” Patsy replied sitting beside Delia and cuddling into her. 

The only time Patsy and Delia were able to show affection with one another was either when they were alone just the two of them or when they were together with Lorraine and Valerie too. Also, the Gateways club was the only place they could be themselves in a public atmosphere and be able to just be without fear of prosecution of judgment. Lorraine and  Valerie were also in the same boat.

Lorraine went and sat on the other bed before taking off her coat and outing her bag down beside her. She took out her Rosary, holding them firmly in the palm of her hand.

Everyone knew that if Lorraine had her Rosery’s in hand when she was talking or even if she was just in silence, it meant she was seriously struggling with something and she need her faith in god to help her through because she didn’t know how else she would survive. It may have been a safety crutch, but Lorraine didn’t feel they were a crutch, she felt they were apart of who she was just as her faith was.

“Lor? What’s wrong?” Patsy frowned as both herself and Delia sat up right, seeing Lorraine clutching her Rosery in her hand.

“There’s something I need to tell Valerie but if I do, if I tell her I’m fearful of how much it is going to destroy her.” Lorraine trembled.

“Talk to us Lorraine, just take your time.”

Lorraine took a deep breath and the all sat in silence for about 5 minutes before Lorraine managed to find her voice.

“So,  y’all know about the abortion?”

“Yours or Valerie’s?” Delia asked

“Umm. Well, Mine.” Lorraine frowned “Well, when I was in the hospital the police visited me and asked who performed the, abortion. I just told them I didn’t know who it was.”

“Did you know?” Delia questioned, sitting forward slightly.

“Yes, and Valeria has asked me the same thing a good few times since leaving the hospital. I just told her I wasn’t ready to talk about it.”

“That true?” Patsy asked.

“No. I was too afraid to talk about it, to tell her the truth.”

“Why was that?” Delia and Patsy asked in unison.

“Because.” Lorraine inhaled as the tears began to prickle in her eyes, sliding down her face “Because the person who did it-” Lorraine began almost hyperventilating.

Patsy and Delia quickly sat next to Lorraine, both of them putting their hands atop of Lorraine’s and squeezing gently “Just breathe. Lor, take a breath.” Patsy encouraged gently.

Lorraine nodded as she continued to talk “Because the person who did it was Elsie Jenna Dyer.”

“You went to Valerie’s grandmother for your abortion? Why out of all the people you could have gone to did you go to her?” 

“I trusted her and to be perfectly honestly I didn’t actually think she would do it, I thought she would close her door on me, tell me there’s another way or give me the name and address of someone else who could. I don’t know what I was thinking! I was desperate!” Lorraine stood up quickly squeezing the Rosery in hand.

“So, what are you asking us Lor?”

Lorraine spun around, as fast as lighting looking at the two woman and raising her voice “I’m asking how the fuck I am meant to tell my girlfriend that I have destroyed – her.” 

“You haven’t destroyed her but you have to tell her you  gotta tell her Lorraine, because one way or another you know she’ll find out.”

“I know. I was kind of thinking of telling her tonight when  ya’ll come around for dinner? Would you oaky with that?”

Patsy and Delia smiled softly at one another before looking back at Lorraine “Of course.”

“Thank you. I’m not sure I’ll be able to do it alone. I need our best friends to be with me because I don’t know how Valerie herself will survive my words. Now I should get back to work. I’ll see you tonight?”

“Of course.” Patsy smiled passing Lorraine her coat and bag.

“You guys stay, I’ll see myself out and Valerie and I will see you tonight.” Lorraine said as she took her bag and coat from Patsy, giving them a wave as she left the room.

Patsy looked at Delia “Well tonight’s going to be interesting, that’s for sure.”

“It will, but for now shall we do what we had planned.” 

“Abso-fricking- lutely !” Patsy giggled as she pushed Delia onto her back and kissed her hard and began smothering her in kisses down her neck and began to unbutton her top.

* * *

Lorraine was a little late getting out of work and she really hoped it wouldn’t worry Valerie but she made her way home as fast as she was able to. As soon as she was home Lorraine immediately saw the Valerie wasn’t downstairs so she went upstairs to their bedroom, knocking gently on the door “Val?”

“ Mmm ...” Val moaned in a sleepy haze.

“Hey, sleepy head.” Lorraine smiled as she knelt down at the side of the bed, tucking Valerie’s hair behind her ear “Wakey, wakey.”

“I’m - I’m awake.” Valerie croaked “What time is it?”

“ Uhh -” Lorraine looked over at the clock on the wall “Well it’s 4:45pm”

“What? Patsy and Delia will be arriving in 45 minutes! Why are you home so late?” Valerie said without taking a moment to breathe.

“Okay first of all, 45 minutes in plenty of time for you to get ready, you’re not cooking remember? You’re fine darling and, I am home later than expected because I had to work longer, sorry I wasn’t able to get to a phone to call you.”

Valerie nodded still half asleep smiling up at Lorraine who was still knelt beside the bed.

They both soon got ready for dinner and settled in on the sofa waiting for Patsy and Delia to arrive and as soon as they did, they all chose what they were going to have for dinner and Patsy and Lorraine walked up to chinese restaurant to pick up their food.

“How are you feeling?” Patsy asked.

“Nervous.” Lorraine replied taking a breath.

“When you  gonna tell her?”

“After we’ve eaten, Valerie loves her food I don’t want to ruin that for her.”

“Agreed.”

Patsy and Lorraine were soon back at the house and tucking into their food. Talking about everything from work, to family, to relationships to talking about how hard and outrageous it is that they still have to hide their relationship. I mean it’s 1964 for heaven's sake.

All while these conversations where happening, Patsy, Delia and Lorraine where all making subtle glances between one another thinking that Valerie wouldn’t notice, except she did and she got to a point half way through eating where she just had enough and she slammed her fork down on the plate.

“Okay enough! What aren’t you all telling me?” Valerie snapped

Everyone stayed silent not wanting to speak.

“Patsy?” Valerie insisted, but Patsy stayed silent as did Delia.

“Lor? What in God’s name is going on?”

Lorraine looked up at her girlfriend and slowly put her own fork down on the plate gently. “Okay, well I was going to wait till after dinner to tell you but seen as it can’t wait...” Lorraine paused “I’m ready to tell you.”

“Tell me?” Valerie questioned with the most confused look covering her face.

“Yes.” Lorraine just started at her girlfriend until she understood what she was talking about.

“Oh... you mean the abortion? You’re ready to tell me?” Valerie frowned.

“Yes, but before I tell you just know this... I didn’t know who else I could go to and I didn’t think she would actually do the procedure. I thought, I dunno, I thought she’d tell me that there was another way or she’d send me to another woman. I don’t know what I was expecting. I - I was just so desperate. I felt I had no other choice, please understand that!”

“Hey, hey, sweetheart take a breath.” Valerie wiped the tears from  Lorraine’s face that had started to leak from her eyes. Valerie held Lorraine’s face gently in her hands as she continuously ran her fingers through her hair. “Take your time and tell me who it is.”

Lorraine looked at her girlfriend shaking, closing her eyes so she wouldn’t have to see Valerie’s face when she uttered the words. “Elsie Dyer.”

There was silence.

Lorraine opened one eye slowly, then the other “You hear me?”

Valerie just nodded. She was in  too much shock to say anything right away. “You mean my Grandmother, don’t you?”

“I do.”

“No...” Valerie quickly stood up “No it can’t be, it can’t be true, it just – NO!” Valerie cried “And you two!?” Valerie looked over at Patsy and Delia “Did you know?”

Lorraine had asked them not to say anything about her coming to see them earlier in that day and Patsy and Delia obliged happily because they knew Valerie didn’t need any more heartache than what she was going through. Finding out the Lorraine told them first before telling Valerie might just about break the woman to within an inch of her life. The three of them agreed it would be for the best all around.

“No.” Delia replied. “Not at all.” Patsy continued.

Valerie nodded unhappily before looking at Lorraine trembling. Lorraine could see what was about to happen and so as quickly as she could Lorraine jumped up and ran to Valerie just before she collapsed into her arms. 

Valerie was a mess.

Lorraine held Valerie tight against her chest as she was kneeled on the ground with Valerie in her arms “Patsy do me a favour and grab me that throw blanket, and Delia, there’s a candle on the table and some matches in that drawer, could you light it for me?”

“Here we go.” Patsy passed the throw to Lorraine and at the same time Delia lit the candle on the table.

Lorraine wrapped her girlfriend tight in the throw. This was something she always did; the throw blanket and the candle whenever Valerie was anxious or in some way was feeling unsafe. Both Patsy and Delia were aware of this so the situation in front of them would have been no surprise what so ever.

“Would you like us to stay?” Patsy asked.

“No, it’s okay. You can go thank you though.” Lorraine smiled as both the women picked up their bags and coats and left the house.

“Why would she do it Lorraine?!” Valerie shrieked “After I almost died 2 years ago? You know she was there. You were both there! How could she do that?!”

“I guess, because she didn’t want me to suffer because she knew the desperation in my eyes, she knew I’d stop and nothing to go through with it and maybe she thought she’d be safer for me than anyone else. I wished she had been but she wasn’t.”

“I need to talk to her.” Valerie quickly stood up, as Lorraine did after her and Valerie grabbed her coat throwing it on.

“What now?” Lorraine frowned.

“Yes now. Are you coming?” 


	10. Elsie Jenna Dyer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Valerie finding out the truth about her gran, she runs out the house to go and talk to her gran closely followed my Lorraine.
> 
> What happens when they arrive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Don't forget to comment and leave kudos!

“Valerie! Wait!” Lorraine grabbed her coat and her key’s throwing on her coat and locking up the house before running after Valerie. “Val! Slow down!” Lorraine panted as she continued to chase after her, grabbing her by the arms as she was able to reach her finally. 

 

“What?! She hurt you Lorraine!” Valerie’s voice was cold, like an emptiness was sitting in her soul. 

 

“Valerie, what are you going to do?” 

 

“Just talk to her. I need to find out why she willingly hurt the one person I love above her in this world, why she did it when she knew what could happen, that you could have died like I nearly did.” Valerie sighed. 

 

The rain had started to pour down in the dead of night, both the women were starting to look like they’s been dragged out of the ocean. It was cold, and the rain was coming down harder with each moment they stood there, on the cobbled streets of Poplar. 

 

“Let’s go then.” Lorraine smiled “We’ll both catch pneumonia if we stand here any longer and we’ve already almost died from the same thing. I’m all for couples’ bonding but nearly dying again isn’t on, my to do list.” 

 

Valerie just shook her head and began to walk towards her grandmother’s house followed closely by Lorraine. 

 

“GRAN! OPEN UP NOW!” Valerie hammered on the door. Lorraine had not seen her this angry in a long time. 

 

“Valerie! Could you get any louder?” Lorraine asked with frustration in her tone. 

 

“Yes, as a matter of fac-” 

 

Suddenly the door was opened and her Gran was standing there “Valerie? What’s with all the noise?” 

 

“Is it true?” Valerie snapped. 

 

Elsie looked over at Lorraine “You told her?” 

 

“I had to. We don’t keep secret’s and you telling me I couldn’t tell her was – I should have told her sooner.” 

 

Elsie frowned “Why don’t you come in and we can talk inside.”  

 

Both the girls walked in before Elsie shut the door behind them. 

 

“Lorraine. You, stupid girl. I told you not to tell her because it would break her.” Elsie said angrily walking towards Lorraine, when Valerie stood in front of her girlfriend in a protective mode. 

 

“Gran. We don’t keep secrets, I’m glad she told me because that shows that she believe's in my strength more than you do.” 

 

“Valerie, you’ve lost so many people, been hurt by so many I was just trying to protect you-” 

 

“I DON’T NEED PROTECTION!” Valerie shouted. Her voice as strong as ever, she was angry and that’s what was keeping her sane right now. “I don’t need it. I can protect myself.”  

 

“Just because Lorraine can-” 

 

“Don’t just don’t. You don’t believe her I know you don’t believe she’s a clairvoyant but that’s your problem not mine and it has nothing to do with the situation we are currently in. Gran why did you do it? Knowing she could die?” 

 

“Because I – I saw the desperation in her eyes. I thought if I did it, she would have more of a chance then if you went to someone else.” 

 

“Gran...What you did was criminal! I don’t just mean because it was against the law!” Valerie cried out. “You’re covered in god knows how many boils I wouldn’t give you a job making flamin’ sandwiches!” 

 

“The women that come to me, they’re desperate, you should know what that feels like.” 

 

“Women? How long ‘ave you been doing this for?” Valerie questioned 

 

“A while.” 

 

“HOW LONG?!” Valerie screamed 

 

“6 years.” 

 

Valerie felt like the breath had been knocked from her before she collapsed onto the floor and Lorraine quickly knelt behind her and wrapped her arms around her, holding her still. 

 

“Y-you’ve been this for 6 years? Oh god-” 

 

“Val, baby, breathe. That’s it, just breathe.” Lorraine encouraged 

 

Valerie took some long breaths before managing to feel calmer again, and Lorraine helped her back up to her feet. “Would you still do this if you’d have seen the same things as me?” 

 

“Like what?” Elsie asked. 

 

“Like married woman coming into my clinic, crying because they’re married now and they’re safe now, they’re meant to be safe now, and yet they’re not and women delivering rotten matter into a bathroom toilet after coming to someone like you where the foetus has died and she still has to deliver it. The pain and I aint just talking about the physical, it leaves an emotional wound on them and on us, the nurses and midwives that are helping them through it. It breaks my heart seeing more and more girls who are seeking out backstreet abortionists because they feel they have nowhere else to turn, and don’t care if they get killed. Most of them either die or wish that they had. Some have to have hysterectomies because of the instruments you use! Gran you could go to prison!” Valerie exasperated herself. 

 

“Valerie, until the law changes, I’m all they have.” 

 

“Yes, and most of them wished they hadn’t come to people like you.” 

 

“Like who, for instance?” 

 

“Lorraine, for instance!” Valerie shouted once again at her Gran who was just making her more frustrated by the second. 

 

“Is that true?” Elsie asked. 

 

“Yes.” Lorraine wasn’t going to hold back “I almost died because of you Elsie, and although your intentions where good, they almost took me from this world. I was bleeding so much and in so much pain. I called Valerie, if she and her friend Trixie didn’t show up when they did, I would be dead right now.” 

 

“You see-” Valerie began before being cut off by Lorraine 

 

“However, Valerie you know as well as I that she isn’t 100 percent complicit.” Lorraine sighed, looking from Elsie to Valerie. 

 

“What do you mean?” Valerie asked  

 

“What would you have done if I hadn’t have given you Rose's name, and adress? Huh? You would have either tried to do it yourself or gone to someone else who would have left you worse of, left for dead even and whose fault is that?” 

 

“Are you blaming me?” Valerie asked. 

 

“No, oh no love, not at all. I’m blaming the government and the law because while it is still illegal, there will be more and more women like us who go looking for people like your gran to perform backstreet abortions. It’s the way the world is right now and until we can make a change, nothing will get better.” 

 

Valerie took a moment to take in what Lorraine had said, she was angry at her Gran angrier, than she had ever known herself to be. At the same time though, she knew that Lorraine was right. Lorraine was always right, but Valerie knew she would have to tell Sister Julienne, and that was what was fuelling her temper at this point in time. 

 

Valerie bit down on her lip, as she looked back over at gran “You could go to prison for up to 6 years, you do realise that?” 

 

“I know. I’ve always known.” Elsie replied. 

 

“I don’t know what to say. I’m just I’m so angry that you could-” 

 

“That I could help women on a daily basis?” Elsie said. 

 

“No! That you almost kill people on a daily basis because let's face it gran, you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing! You may have the instruments to perform the abortion and Aunt Flo to help you out... but you are not a trained nurse, you do not know what you’re doing. Gran you do whatever it is you do and then you send ‘em home bleeding and in pain hoping that it works and that the foetus will come away in a few days or so, but sometimes it doesn’t and then they end up in our clinics and hospitals or at Nonnatus house having caught an infection and crying into my arms as I have to help her as I already said, help her deliver rotten, smelling matter into a fucking toilet bowl! You have no idea what it’s like for-” 

 

“No! I know what I’m doing, I’ve seen girls, young girls no older than 14 coming to me crying, giving me money just to try and take away the situation that they’re in away so don’t tell me I haven’t seen the same thing you have because I have Val, I bloody well ‘ave love and I bet I match you tear for BLOODY TEAR! NOW GET OUT!”  

 

Valerie looked at her gran, she wasn’t surprised to be thrown out she figured it would happen eventually “I almost died, I did die, my heart stopped on that operating table, maybe just maybe you should have thought about that before you went through with it. That’s all I’m saying.” 

 

Valerie grabbed Lorraine's arm pulling her fron Elsie’s flat then letting go before she ran back out onto the streets of Poplar. 

 

“Val! Wait – will you stop running – where'd you learn to run like that?!” Lorraine panted taking a few minutes to catch up with her girlfriend as the rain continued to pour. 

 

“I - I CAN’T DO IT!” Valerie fell to her knee’s, her clothes soaked through and the wetness and coldness from the rain seeping into every single part of her body. 

 

“Valerie, c’mon we need to get off from the streets, the main street anyway come on” Lorraine helped her up and pulled her in to an allyway, where hopefully nobody would see or find them, Lorraine pushed her girlfriend up against the cold hard wall, and holding Valerie’s face in her hands “Look at me. Look at me.” Lorraine wiped the tears away  

 

“I could be sending her to prison for as much as 6 years. I know what she did was wrong but she’s still my Gran. She’s been the constant in my life from the moment I was born, she hates me.” Valerie trembled. 

 

“Valerie, I went to her in good faith thinking that she would send me somewhere else or give me a name of some other woman, but she made the choice but every single time I look at the scar on my stomach I think of how desperate I was to get up those stairs, to go to your Gran. I think of her every time and it breaks me inside. You know what that’s like and you had it worse than me-”

 

“Lor, I didn’t have it worse -” 

 

“Yes, you did. It’s fine honestly, listen to me Val we both made those choices to go to whomever we did but also they made the choice to go through with it.” 

 

Valerie nodded “I know and I will tell Sister Julienne but not until tomorrow. If my gran keeps doing this, she could end up killing someone, she may already have done unknowingly.” 

 

As the rain grew into a storm that night, Valerie and Lorraine made their way back to their own house and both stripped in the hallway before running quickly up to bed and getting straight in and under the covers. They cuddled up to one another, slowly warming up and Lorraine fell asleep rather quickly, Valerie on the other hand was tossing and turning all night and by the time she had finally fallen asleep, Lorraine was waking her up with a cup of tea. 

 

“Sweetheart? I made you a cup of tea, drink up and then we will go over to Nonnatus, alright?” 

 

Valerie croaked. 

 

“We have to. Now come on.” 

 

Valerie quickly drank her tea before she put on her uniform and cleaned herself up. 

 

Lorraine had on her coat and was finishing her own cup of tea by the time Valerie joined her. 

 

“Hey babe.” Valerie smiled giving her girlfriend a quick kiss. 

 

“Hey honey. You ready?” Lorraine asked with a small smile. 

 

“No, but I can do this, I can do anything with you by myside.” 

 

“Of course you can. Now lets go.” 

 

And with that, Valerie threw on her own coat and the two of them left their house locking up and making their way through the cobbled streets of poplar, and heading for Nonnatus House to first and foremost talk to Sister Julienne about Valerie’s grandmother. 

 

 


	11. Seeing is beleiving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valerie goes to speak with Sister Julienne about what happened with her grandmother, however she gets a phone call during the conversation. What could be so urgent?

Valerie could barely come to terms with the devastatingly shocking news that her own Grandmother had been doing backstreet abortions for six long years. Her very own Grandmother, the woman who had been like a second Mother to her. How could she? How could she do it? Valerie just couldn’t comprehend the situation she had now found herself in, so how in God’s name would she even begin to find the words to explain it all to Sister Julienne.

 

Valerie was still seething in anger.

 

Valerie may not know how to explain everything but the one thing that she did know, she had no choice but to speak to Sister Julienne, about everything. Every last detail needed to be told.

 

Lorraine and Valerie walked along the cobbled streets of Poplar all the way to Nonnatus House. It was the quietest walk they had ever taken together, usually when they would take their  walks up to Nonnatus House, they would be interesting because both Lorraine and Valerie were people watchers and they would make something up about someone they would watch and see, about what that person’s life was like and what they did for a living, if they had a family. Sometimes the two women would just fall about laughing at the ridiculousness of the scenarios they would come up with. 

 

Today however was utterly and completely different, there was no laughter in their voices today and no smiles on their mouths. In fact, there were no words what so ever being spoken between the two of them. Just an eerie silence, that seemed like you’d never escape from.

 

It wasn’t easy for either of them, on the one hand  Valerie was absolutely and completely broken from the situation her own Grandmother had brought upon them all but then on the other side of the coin you had Lorraine, who was feeling like she was to blame for everything that had happened, but it wasn’t Lorraine who had been doing illegal abortions for six years. No, that person was Elsie Dyer, Valerie’s Grandmother.

 

At last they arrived at the steps of Nonnatus House, in which their silence continued for a moment longer until Lorraine decided to speak up first.

 

Lorraine turned to look at Valerie in the eye before suddenly in a sharp inhale of breath and speaking softly.

  
  


“You don’t want me to come in with you?”

  
  


Valerie frowned for a second “One of you visions happened, didn’t it?”

  
  


“Yes but Val you didn’t answer the question did you? Now tell me, why don’t you want me to come in?”

  
  


“It’s not that I don’t want you to come in, it’s just that speaking to Sister Julienne needs to be something that I do alone, love. That is all. I would however like you to wait outside Sister Julienne’s office, if you’d be willing?” Valerie sighed, that fact was that if Lorraine did sit in with her to talk about the situation they had found themselves in, Valerie knew she wouldn’t be able to open up about half the things she not only wants to say but also things she needs to say.

  
  


Lorraine just nodded graciously in agreement.

  
  


“That however is not to say that she may want to speak with you afterwards though Lorraine.”

 

And with that, they both made their way up the steps into Nonnatus House and once inside up some more stairs up to Sister Julienne’s office.

  
  


Valerie knocked gently on Sister Julienne’s office door as Lorraine sat on one of the seats opposite the Sister’s office door. The office was a place that Valerie had come to know as a safe space, a space she could talk if she needed to without worrying about what she was saying. Although this time, she was worried because she had no clue how she was going to start this conversation let alone finish it.

  
  


Sister Julienne opened the office door and greeted Valerie with a gentle smile  “Come in Nurse Dyer, I already have a pot of tea waiting for us.”

 

Valerie nodded, a saddened look however covering her face.

 

“Hang on, is Lorraine… Lorraine are you not joining us?” Sister Julienne asked.

 

Valerie interjected “Sister, I need to talk to you about this on my own.”

 

Sister Julienne simply nodded, moving aside and letting Valerie into her office before closing the door behind them both. The two ladies sat opposite each other at Sister Julienne’s desk.

 

Sister Julienne poured them both a cup of tea before they got started.

 

“Now then, Valerie, my dear. What would you like to speak with me about?”

 

Valerie slowly sat up right, she then took a large gulp of her tea before she started to talk. “This is really rather difficult Sister. However it is important that I do tell you because if I do I fear for not only the lives of the women of Poplar but for my own sanity and my family’s lives.”

 

“Why? Does this have anything to do with Lorraine’s miscarrige?” Sister Julienne questioned gently.

 

“Sister, What Lorraine had it wasn’t a misscarige, not really. That is just what I asked Nurse Franklin to tell you, what she-”

 

“Valerie.” Sister Julienne held up her hand “I am fully aware that what Lorraine had was not a miscarrige at least not a miscarrige that happened naturally.”

 

“Oh, you know, I mean of course you know.” Valerie sat quietly for a moment before continuing the conversation “Well, here’s the thing, divulged the identity  of the woman behind what happened...my Grandmother.” Valerie breathed before finally breaking down and sobbing.

 

This was what everyone loved about Sister Julienne, because she just sat there in complete silence until Valerie was ready to talk again. No words, just the silence between the two of them.

 

“Sister…. She’s, the women who performed the abortion is my Grandmother.” Valerie just continued to sob harder and harder.

 

“Yes.” Is all Sister Julienne commented on that matter.

 

“And, I don’t understand it Sister! How can I? I mean I almost died two years ago after I saw a woman, not so different from her.”

 

Sister Julienne passed Valerie a tissue as she listened tentifly to her words and concerns of what she couldn’t understand. Sister Julienne has seen more women who had gone and had a back street abortionist than she would like to count, but that’s the time that they lived in. It happened all over the district, all of London, all of England even.

 

“Valerie, I honestly can’t even begin to imagine how you’re feeling or what you’re going through but know this, you were born into our hands my dear, your trial are ours to bare also.”

 

Valerie nodded, wiping away her tears and not even seeing Sister Julienne stand up and come and hover beside her.

 

In the next moment Nurse Dyer let her head fall into Sister Julienne, and the Sister put a single arm around Valerie, gently holding her close.

 

“How will I ever look Lorraine in the eyes again, knowing my own Grandmother is the reason I found my best friend bleeding out on her kitchen floor. We are so very lucky Lorraine had managed to get to a telephone to call us…” Valerie was sounding more angry with every word, which is completely justified considering the situation.

 

“How has it come to this Sister?” Valerie cried into Sister Julienne.

 

Sister Julienne really wasn’t sure how to answer that and she didn’t like not knowing. However even Sister Julienne didn’t know how it had come to this.

 

“Valerie, my dear, I can’t answer that I’m afraid, but you do know that you have to tell the police.”

 

“The police? But Sister I can’t d-”

 

However before Valerie could even finish her sentence, there was a loud knock at the office door.

 

Sister Julienne walked over to the door and opened it, seeing Trixie standing in front of her “Is everything okay Nurse Franklin?”

 

“I’m dreadfully sorry to interrupt Sister, but there is a phone call for Valerie… It’s your Aunt Flo Valerie.” Trixie peered her head round the door so she could look at Valerie when speaking. “It did sound rather urgent.”

 

“Alright. Thank you, Trixie.” Valerie replied as she fled the room and Sister Julienne gave Trixie a knowing nod.

 

“Nurse Franklin, would you go with Nurse Dyer, make sure everything is alright…” Julienne paused before looking out into the hall and seeing Lorraine sitting there quietly “Lorraine, I’ll see you now.”

 

Lorraine walked into the office as Trixie left and went and stood next to her friend as she took the phone call.

 

Trixie stood close to Valerie as she took the urgent call, which was over almost as soon as it had started.

 

“What’s wrong?” Trixie asked, with concern lacing her voice.

 

“Something’s happened, and Trix with everything that’s happened recently and everything I found out with who was responsible for Lorraine’s abortion, I am seriously concerned. My Aunt Flo asked me to bring my nursing bag and to come up the back way of the pub.” Valerie sighed.

 

“Maybe I should come with you Valerie, just to be on the safe side.” Trixie suggested, after the last phone call Nurse Dyer had received in this manner, which had ended with Valerie almost losing one of the people she loves most in this entire world.

 

Trixie for one, thought it best if she accompanied her friend to her Aunt’s pub.

 

Valerie agreed.

 

Soon enough, Valerie and Trixie both found themselves outside Valeries, Aunt’s Pub in the middle of Poplar. The two women hurried inside where they were met by Valerie’s Aunt Flo.

 

“I asked for you, not ‘er as well!” Flo exclaimed in a panic.

 

“It sounded urgent.”Trixie replied forcefully. “We thought you would need reinforcements.”

 

“Well ‘urry up then! Get up ‘em stairs… QUICKLY!” Flo insisted with every fibre of her being.

 

Valerie and Trixie ran up those stairs as fast as their legs could carry them. Val opened the door and came to an abrupt halt, when she saw the image in that room.

 

“Gran? What’s going on here then?” Valerie questioned as she felt her heart fall to her feet, as she saw a young lady, no older than 17 years, laying on her back on the table and her Gran leaning over the woman looking terrified.

 

“Thank God you’re here! I need ‘elp…”

 

“What kind of help d’ya need Gran?” Valerie asked, slowly putting her bag down on the spare table, closest to the door.

 

“I need ‘elp stopping the bleeding love! ‘Elp for when the baby comes away!” Elsie replied, holding the young lady still.

 

“Gran… Have you been doing an abortion?” Valerie gulped, trying not to let herself break anymore than she already had.

 

“Yes love. I have.” Elsie replied quietly.

 

Before valerie could reply, Trixie walked in confidently “Nurse Dyer, could you put on some gloves, I may need your help!”

 

Trixie knew that this would be heart wrenching for Valerie, it’s one thing to know and hear about what her Gran had done but to see her in action, that’s something Valerie will quite possibly never get over. Trixie however knew that first priority was the poor young lady, laying on the table.

 

“What’s your name sweetie?” Trixie asked, putting on her gloves quickly and walking over to the girl.

 

“Teresa. Nurse please...please don’t let my Mum find out… I don’t want her to know.”

 

“I promise you sweetie, the only person any of us are concentrating fully on, is you. You are number one priority… Nurse dyer gloves on please. Quickly. Now Flo, I need clean towels and you need to call an ambulance!”

 

“I can’t do that! You know I can’t!” Flo explained in a high pitched voice.

 

“Yes, you can and you will, because if either Nurse Dyer or myself have to leave this room for one minute, we shall be coming back with the police… isn’t that rightNurse Dyer?”

 

Valerie took a silent gulp before replying, and avoiding eye contact with her Grandmother at all costs “That’s right.”

 

Soon, the young Teresa was in an ambulance and Trixie travelled with her to the hospital.

 

Then there were two.

 

There was silence. Then Valerie snapped.

 

“HOW COULD YOU?! After me!  After Lorraine! I told you before what you do is criminal and not just because it’s illegal! You could’ve killed Teresa tonight. You think you know what you’re doing but you don’t.”

 

There was silence, no answer came.

 

“GRAN SAY SOMETHING! GOD DAMN IT SAY SOMETHING!”

 

“She was desperate.” Elsie responded finally.

 

“Desperate? Desperation is all it took to almost kill someone again. After what you did to Lorraine? After what a woman no different to you did to me?”

 

“WHAT I FUCKING DID?!” Elsie cried out “I SAVED YOUR GIRLFRIENDS LIFE!”

 

“Oh? How? By sticking somethin’ sharp in her where you shouldn’t and just hoping it all goes away, that it works...just like this girl tonight…” Valerie paused “I love you Gran, I do, but here it is, I don’t wanna lose you! I will however if you continue with this, you will go to jail!”

 

“If I don’t do this… someone else will.”

 

“Well let ‘em! Don’t but yourself at risk Gran,it’s not down to you to try and save ‘em because, you can’t. It’s not possible. Please Gran, stop doing it, stop.” Valerie cried. “I won’t put my job on the line for you, I won’t be able to save you.”

 

“Val, love, did you really think I would stop? Just because you found out the truth? For someone so intellegent, you aren’t ‘alf stupid.”

 

Valerie took a moment to answer her Grandmother “You don’t see it do you? You are tearing this family apart. Can’t you see how much this is hurting not only you but me as well? Not to mention the women of Poplar that are willing or have come to see you. Gran, I almost died because of what a woman like you did to me. Is that enough to make you stop, make you see the truth? The reality of what happens when you send ‘em home?”

 

“I won’t stop. I can’t stop. I save more than I harm.”

 

Valerie looked at her Grandmother in absolute disgust and anger and disbelief. 

 

“You know what? This is a God damn waste of time! Let’s all hope to whatever God there is that Teresa survives what you did to her tonight, because if she doesn’t…” Valerie went to the door, picking up her bag “You could be done for murder.”And with that being spoken, Valerie left the room and walked quickly outside before collapsing in the street outside the pub.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	12. Vanishing Act

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lorraine got back to Nonnatus House and found that no one had seen Valerie in a long while, Valerie was missing, who will find her? and where will she be?

 

No one had seen Valerie Dyer in almost six hours. It was cold outside, raining and it was almost dark, Valerie was in such a vulnerable state, so it was of the utmost importance that she was found soon.

  
  


“Well, when’s the last time someone saw her?” Lorraine asked in a panic.

  
  


“I think that was probably me and then her Grandmother saw her also…” Trixie replied, as she walked through the doors of Nonnatus House.

  
  


“Her - Did you just say her Grandmother?” Sister Julienne frowned.

  
  


“Yes, Sister maybe it would be appropriate to talk in your office.” Trixie suggested, after all what they needed to speak about was indeed rather delicate.

  
  


Sister Julienne agreed and the three of them went up to her office and they all sat down around the sister’s desk.

  
  


“Trixie? What has happened to my - to Valerie?” Lorraine asked gently, with so much fear lacing her voice.

  
  


Trixie took a moment before replying “She got a phone call - “

  
  


“Yes, her Aunt Flo phoned whilst she was talking to Sister Julienne this morning, sorry Sister, I was sitting right outside.” 

  
  


“Yes, well, to cut a long story short…” Trixie breathed out “When we arrived at her Aunt’s Pub, we found Elsie Dyer in an upstairs room performing another illegal abortion.”

  
  


“Nurse Franklin, what happened?” Sister Julienne asked firmly.

  
  


“I’m sorry Sister, I’m not really sure, I left in an ambulance with the young girl, Valerie stayed behind with her Grandmother, you could hear the shouting from outside, they both have loud voices.”

  
  


“How is the girl?” Sister Julienne asked.

  
  


“S-she” Trixie put her head down, she didn’t want it to be true, Trixie had done everything she could to save as did the doctors and nurses at the hospital but she couldn’t change a thing about what had happened. If only Elsie Dyer hadn’t done what she did then, none of this would have happened in the first place. “She didn’t make it Sister.”

  
  


“It’s not your fault Nurse Franklin, her death is not on you.” Sister replied,before they all sat in a moments silence and then Lorraine jumped in.

  
  


“What if Valerie heard about the girl? Heard that she didn’t make it. Sister Julienne, you know as well as I do, that it could destroy her completely. Knowing her Grandmother is responsible-”

  
  


“I know Lorraine, we will find her, we shall leave no stone unturned until she is back with he safely.” Sister Julienne responded.

  
  


“Sister, I - “ Lorraine couldn’t even begin to explain how she was feeling, let alone imagine how Valerie must be feeling.

  
  


“Lorraine, listen Patsy or Delia should be back now. Go and find one of them and also find Sister Francis, take them, go out and look for Valerie. Take as long as you need to, when you find her however you should bring her back here. We can keep a constant eye on her then”

  
  


Lorraine agreed fully and wholeheartedly with Sister Julienne’s recommendation. Lorraine then stood up “Thank you” she spoke softly before leaving Sister Julienne’s office quickly and quietly.

  
  


Lorraine walked quickly down the hall and pumped (almost head first) into Sister Francis.

  
  


“Oh Hello Lorraine… You seem a little distracted, is everything alright?”

  
  


“No , Sister. No it’s really not. Look Sister Francis, Valerie is missing, I need your help to find her Sister Julienne agreed… Oh and Patsy’s help too.” Lorraine took a deep breath, she was so frantic with worry. ”PATSY!” Lorraine shouted as she saw Patsy coming out of the bathroom.

  
  


Once Lorraine had caught Patsy up on what was going on the three of them set off to find Valerie Elsie Dyer. 

  
  


The first place they went and looked for her was at Valerie’s Grandmothers home, hopefully Elsie was there and if she wasn’t they would separate and look for Valerie individual.

  
  


“ELSIE DYER!” Lorraine hammered on the old wooden door of Elsie home. “YOU OPEN UP THIS DOOR OR SO HELP ME GOD-” Valerie quickly looked at Sister Francis “-Oh I am sorry Sister I-” Lorraine smile apologetically at Sister Francis.

  
  


“Don’t fret yourself.” Sister Francis replied as the door opened.

  
  


“What is all the- Oh Lorraine, hello dear, what have I done this time?” Elsie questioned angrily.

  
  


“What haven’t you done I think is the more apt question.”

  
  


“Excuse me? How dare y-”

  
  


“What speak the truth? Now where is she Elsie?!” Lorraine snapped.

  
  


“Where’s who? Dear God, what are you wittering on about Lorraine?”

  
  


“Valerie! You know her, your Granddaughter - or have you forgotten about her, because I’ll tell you something for nothing Elsie Dyer, she loves you. Valerie would do absolutely anything for you and she is so very terrified to lose you but she really does love you.”

  
  


“I know and I love her, even if you don’t believe me-”

  
  


“Elsie! I’m not denying that you do love her but because of what you did, to me to the other women of Poplar, you broke that girl, piece by piece you broke her.”

  
  


“You shouldn’t of told her it were me!”

  
  


“We don’t keep secrets, she deserved to know and you should never have asked me to keep anything from her! Now where is she!” Lorraine shouted, steam coming out of her ears.

  
  


“I don’t know! She was here and after Trixie left we had an argument and then she ran, I haven’t seen her since… Lorraine I’m sorry. I -”

  
  


“Do you even realise what you have done? The turmoil you have inflicted not just on the women you do the abortions on but on your family too - Do you know what happened to the girl that you performed the abortion on earlier today.”

  
  


“What do you mean?” Elsie questioned.

 

“She died in hospital from complications of what you did to her. You knew this could happen at some point Elsie-”

  
  


“Do the police know?”

  
  


“Do the - that’s all you’re worried about right now? Your Grandaughter has vanished!”

  
  


“Lorraine, come on she knows she’s done wrong, Let’s go and find Valerie, she needs us now not Elsie.” Patsy paused before looking up at Elsie “But Mrs. Dyer your own Granddaughter is missing, I would have thought you would want to make sure she isn’t lying dead in a ditch somewhere.”

  
  


“Valerie knows how to take care of herself.”

  
  


“Come on, let’s try the hospital and Sister Francis you trust your instincts.” Patsy insisted as she dragged Valerie away, followed closely by Sister Francis and they separated to the hospital and wherever Sister Francis would decide to go.

  
  


Patsy and Lorraine looked in every inch of that hospital, but she was nowhere to be seen. They asked one of the Nurses if Valerie had been seen and she had, and she had been told about the girl who had died because of what her Grandmother did.

  
  


Sister Francis on the other hand decided her first port of call would be the church. She thought that the one place Valerie would be would be the place where no one would even think of looking.

  
  


The door of the church squeaked loudly, Sister Francis walked in slowly and as soon as she was inside she saw Valerie kneeling right at the front, on the floor.

  
  


“Valerie?” Sister Francis asked softly as she arrived beside Valerie and kneeled down.

 

“Oh, Sister…” Valerie sobbed “How did you know I’d be here?”

  
  


“No one would think to look for you here so, I thought, this is exactly where you’d be.”

  
  


“I didn’t know where else to go, I needed time. My Grandmother -  I have to tell the police. Sister, how am I meant to tell them that my own Grandmother has torn apart and hurt other women, even if she felt she was doing it for the right reasons, in the end it was all for the wrong reasons.”

  
  


“Valerie, you saw her doing it, you know she can’t get away with it. You were scared she was going to hurt someone and wouldn’t be able to come back from it, now she’s done that, God will be at her side-”

 

“Sister Francis. I don’t believe in God-”

  
  


“If that were true, you wouldn’t have chosen a church to come to and prey in.” Sister Francis smiled gently at Valerie “Now let’s get you back to Nonnatus-”

  
  


“No, take me to the police station.” Valerie replied firmly.

  
  


“Alright, if you’re sure.”

  
  


“I am, I need to do it now, I can’t wait any longer.”

  
  


Sister Francis nodded her head and helped Valerie to her feet, they then both left the Church and made their way to the police station.

  
  
  
  
  



	13. The Photograph

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valerie has been in a mood for days.
> 
> To make things worse Sergeant Noakes telephoned to ask for something from Valerie that would help put Elsie Dyer behind bars.

Valerie walked into the Police Station with Sister Francis in tow, feeling more anxious and worried than she had ever been.

  
  


“Nurse Dyer, Sister Francis, how can I help you?” Sergeant Noakes asked as her saw the two women arrive.

 

“Sergeant Noakes, I - well -” Valerie trembled before she was able to tell Sergeant Noakes what she was here for “I - I need to make a statement, regarding an illegal abortionist.”

  
  


Sergeant Noakes nodded his head. Things like this didn’t surprise him, even if they should but he’s seen far too many women making statements about people like Valerie’s Grandmother, he’s also been to, far too many hospital beds and women’s homes to know the truth of the situation.

  
  


“Come right this way Nurse Dyer.”

  
  


Valerie followed, whilst Sister Francis stayed where she was.

  
  


Valerie sat down across from Sergeant Noakes and one of his constables, and she slowly started to explain what had happened to the girl her and Trixie had witnessed earlier that day. Valerie had gone over what she was going to say to the police a million times, but nothing seemed to be the right way of saying it, not even the actual way she did say it and explain it. Valerie was sure she was meant to feel some kind of relief after she had made her statement, however that was not the case here.

  
  


All Valerie felt was utter despair, grief, anger and most of all guilt. She couldn’t help but feel guilty, like it was somehow her fault, even though she knew it wasn’t. After all Valerie wasn’t the one who put something sharp where it doesn’t belong, she wasn’t an untrained lady performing an action that couldn’t be undone. No, that wasn’t her.

  
  


She managed to tell them everything she knew, including where her grandmother kept her ten bob notes.

  
  


“Sargeant, she never ran out of money after she gave up the stall on the market, in fact she seemed to have more money, I never understood that but I never questioned it neither, never asked her about it at all.”

  
  


Valerie went into as much detail as she could possibly remember. It felt like she had been in there hours even days by the time Sergeant Noakes smiled gently at Valerie and explained “We have everything we need from you for now Nurse Dyer, you may go, we shall be in touch, would you like a lift back to Nonnatus?”

  
  


“If you’d be so kind, Sargeant.” Valerie replied.

  
  


“I’ll have one of my officers drive you. This way.”

  
  


Valerie and Sister Francis where indeed driven back to Nonnatus House where Patsy and Lorraine were waiting for them after Sergeant Noakes had called Sister Julienne to tell her what had happened.

  
  


Lorraine was about to run right for Valerie as she stepped out of the car, that was before  Patsy grabbed her arm shaking her head “This is not the time to show her affection Lorraine, as much as you would like to.”

  
  
  


Lorraine sunk back into herself, nodding her head as she saw Sister Julienne rush down the steps with a blanket in her hand and wrapping it around Valerie, who was shivering and her face was red and blotchy from crying on and off all day.

  
  


“Come on, let’s get you inside my dear.” Sister Julienne smiled holding Valerie close to her, and walking past Lorraine and Patsy who were stood still on the step of Nonnatus.

  
  


Sister Julienne helped Valerie changed and into bed, Valerie could barely string a few words together, let alone get herself ready for bed.

  
  


“I hate her.” Lorraine sobbed into her pillow. 

  
  


“Hate is such a strong word Valerie, I’m sure you don’t hate her really but you want to. Strength comes when you love someone who you wish and want to hate. Your Grandmother has done a terrible, terrible thing but Valerie, you hating her won’t solve a thing, but loving her could help her get through the next few weeks. Now, why don’t get some shut eye and we can talk more in the morning.”

  
  


Valerie nodded her head before grabbing Sister Julienne’s arm as she stood to her feet “Sister, What if she hates me?”

  
  


“Valerie, please do not worry yourself, I believe that she loves you and nothing could change that, please my dear try not to let yourself become overly anxious.”

  
  


Valerie nodded her head as she settled down and soon fell asleep. Sister Julienne refused to leave the room until she knew that Valerie was fully asleep, she then tiptoed out of Valerie’s room and seeing Lorraine sitting on the floor on the outside of her room.

  
  


“Lorraine?” Sister Julienne frowned.

 

“Don’t make me move Sister. I won’t leave her, not again.”

 

“Lorraine, you can stay as long as you would like, but would you not be more comfortable in a bed?”

 

“In - in Valerie’s room?”

 

“Yes. There is a second bed in there, help yourself to it.” Sister Julienne smiled, before helping Lorraine stand up.

 

“Sister, Can I join you in compline tonight?” Lorraine asked unsure if she would be allowed to.

  
  


You see Lorraine had a very strong Faith indeed, however she knew Valerie didn’t but she had always wanted to share that side of her soul with her girlfriend. Lorraine hadn’t been to Church in a long while, mainly because she never liked to go on her own and on the other hand, she had not found a Church that she had felt whole heartedly welcome at.

  
  


“Of course you may, everyone is welcome in God’s house Lorraine.” Sister Julienne paused, knowing how much Lorraine had struggled finding a welcoming congregation. “Lorraine, Have you not found a Church you’re comfortable with as of yet? You know that you are more than welcome to join us in Chapel every Sunday, and all week if you wish to, my dear.”

  
  


“Thank you Sister, that means so very much.” Lorraine replied, as she and Sister Julienne walked down to the Chapel in Nonnatus House.

 

Lorraine had never felt happier in regards to her Faith as she felt praying with the Sisters. She felt at peace, a place she felt she belonged, she couldn’t explain it but she knew one thing was for sure, she had missed being in church, a place of worship. She spent as long as she could in the Chapel even after the Nuns had left.

 

Lorraine eventually went up to Valerie’s room and slept in the bed next to her, praying and hoping that Valerie would survive this, because this was something that would stay with her until she died.

 

Lorraine was abruptly awoken as was the rest of Nonnatus House, by Valerie screaming at the top of her lungs.

 

Lorraine jumped out of bed, running to Valerie’s side, she was still in bed and asleep. 

 

“Valerie! Valerie! Wake up!” Lorraine gently shook her girlfriend, before Sister Julienne came running in and could see exactly what was happening. “Sister, she won’t wake up!”

 

“Valerie! Valerie!” Sister Julienne tried before she shook Valerie a little harder and Valerie awoke with a fright “S-sister? W-what happened?”

 

“You were screaming in your sleep.”

 

“Oh - I am awfully sorry Sister - Nightmares that’s all.”

 

“Valerie - “

 

“I’m fine! - Sister, really I - I’m fine… really, now if you don’t mind, I think I should try and get some more shut eye.”

  
  


Sister Julienne nodded as she left the room and everyone went back to bed.

 

The next day was worrisome, Valerie was there in person but she was in a daze. She wouldn’t eat, she was barely drinking anything and neither Sister Julienne or Lorraine could get a single word out of her.

 

That evening Shelagh Turner had come over to ask for some help in organising a fundraiser for the maternity home. Which of course everyone was excited for. Valerie was stood in the corner alone, in a world of her own. Everyone felt it best to leave Valerie to herself, as anyone who had tried to speak to Valerie that day, had gotten their head bitten off.

  
  


In this midst of all the excitement, the telephone rang and as Sister Francis was first on call she went to answer it, but quickly came running back and right over to Valerie “Umm… Nurse Dyer-”

 

“Hmm…” Valerie frowned, for it was the first time that day she hadn’t shouted at someone when they had tried to speak with her.

  
  


“There’s a telephone call for you…” Sister Francis said with concern lacing her voice “It’s - well - umm, well I’m awfully afraid it’s Sergeant Noakes.”

  
  


“Thank you, Sister.” Valerie smiled gently, although she looked more like she was going to collapse than anything else. Still she went of and answered the phone, followed closely by Lucille and Trixie.

  
  


Valerie’s face was growing angrier with every second she was on that telephone, which wasn’t long in it self.

 

“WHAT?! Sergeant you’re not serious?! - Yes - Well why can’t you take one yourselves? - Fine -” Valerie slammed the phone down and began marching up to her room, still being followed by both Trixie and Lucille.

 

Valerie stormed into her room, while Lucille and Trixie stood in the doorway watching, Valerie was rummaging through her things “A PHOTOGRAPH TRIXIE! A PHOTOGRAPH! - One from the family album, and has to be less than two years old.”

 

Valerie found one, she took out the frame it was in on her bedside table and sat on the bed.

  
  


“Why Can’t they take one themselves?” Lucille asked

  
  


“I asked him that. He told me, he can’t do that unless a person has been charged with the crime.” 

 

Valerie sat there as a tear finally rolled down her face, and then another and another. She cried as she looked at the photograph of herself and her grandmother, she held out her spare hand and spoke with a shake to her voice “Scissors.”

 

Trixie went to her nail kit that was on the side and took them out passing them to Valerie and standing in the corner, crossing her arms trying not to cry herself. Watching one of her bestfriend’s should dying before her was breaking Trixie’s heart.

 

Valerie slowly cut the photograph in half, putting the scissors aside “How am I meant to do this?”

 

“Shall I take the photograph to the police?” Lucille asked.

 

“Yes, but that ain’t what I meant.”

 

Lucille decided it would be in her best interest to take the photograph and go, so that’s exactly what she did leaving Trixie and Valerie to talk.

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


**Two Days Later**

  
  


Valerie still hadn’t eaten anything and everyone was growing in concern, even more so when they saw the headline in the newspaper.

 

Valerie came downstairs for breakfast, and everyone suddenly went very quiet.

 

“What? Don’t let me stop you from talking about me -”

 

“Valerie that’s enough!” Lorraine snapped, she had enough of Valerie’s constant mood “We stopped talking because you’re always in a mood as of late! That is why! - I - I’m sorry Sister.” Lorraine said quietly looking over at Lorraine after she shouted at Valerie.

 

Valerie sat down quietly, and then she saw the newspaper that was on the table and she abruptly stood up again “S-she pleaded guilty…” Valerie cried “SH - THIS IS ALL MY FAULT! I need to go and see her, I have to try, I’ll be back by lunch time!” Valerie ran of Nonnatus as fast as her little legs could carry her and straight to her Grandmother’s front door.


End file.
